Joke thread

[Cellarite]

Angela Merkel flew into Poland on Saturday morning and was met at Customs...

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel."
"Age?"
"58."
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for the football."

That worked 18 months ago when the Euros were in Ukraine and Poland. Now though, I simply can't see why the German Premier would go to Poland to watch football. Is she a long standing supporter of Legia Warsaw? Has she got a distant relative playing for Widzew Lodz?

 

[jimharri]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a zoophile, a pyromanic and a necrophile are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat" said the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it" says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it and then kill it" shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again" said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with a cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it" said the pyromanic.


There was silence and then the masochist said: ''Miaow''.






I'm here all week!

 

[mammutly]

Angela Merkel flew into Poland on Saturday morning and was met at Customs...

"Name?"
"Angela Merkel."
"Age?"
"58."
"Nationality?"
"German"
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for the football."

That worked 18 months ago when the Euros were in Ukraine and Poland. Now though, I simply can't see why the German Premier would go to Poland to watch football. Is she a long standing supporter of Legia Warsaw? Has she got a distant relative playing for Widzew Lodz?

Is she Kazi Deyna's dad's lovechild?

 

[Mad Eyed Screamer]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi"..... not "wife".......

 

[hackneyslim]

Peter Parker in a restaurant, calls the waiter over, says, 'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.' Waiter says, 'You're welcome, sir.'

 

[chris63]

 

[mrcunny]

I see Paddy Power are taking bets on Oscar Pistorius murder trial.

9/2 if he's found guilty

1000/1 if he walks

 

[jimharri]

I see Paddy Power are taking bets on Oscar Pistorius murder trial.

9/2 if he's found guilty

1000/1 if he walks

You'll burn in hell for that one!

 

[Cellarite]

Peter Parker in a restaurant, calls the waiter over, says, 'Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.' Waiter says, 'You're welcome, sir.'

Piss poor customer relations if you ask me.

 

[BillyBonds]

I see Paddy Power are taking bets on Oscar Pistorius murder trial.

9/2 if he's found guilty

1000/1 if he walks

You'll burn in hell for that one!

They were actually advertising that. I see they've changed it to if 'Not Guilty' now.