Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I went to see a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago because I thought people keep taking advantage of me.

After our £200 half hour session, he convinced me that I was fine and there was nothing to worry about.

Anyway, I've nearly finished redecorating his consulting rooms and hopefully should have the rest of his office done over the weekend.....

 

[Tuearts right boot]

I've just come back from Corfe Castle.

In Dorset?

Yes, I'd recommend it to anyone.

Fuck me, you are getting worse mate. ;)

 

[hammocity]

View attachment 129323

My mate's son confessed to his Dad when he was about 14 to having wet dreams, he said "what can I do about then Dad?"

"Cherish them son" was the reply.

 

[hammocity]

View attachment 129459

Doris and Alf are celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary with a champagne breakfast on the agenda. Alf says, "shall we try the naked breakfast like we used to have when we first met?"

Doris says "I'll give it a go"

They remove their clothes and are sat at the table stark naked.

After a few minutes Doris says " Alf, it's working for me, my nipples have gone hard and feel really hot"

Alf replies, "for fucks sake Doris that's because one of them is in your porridge and the other one is in your cup of tea".

 

[Grassland Blue]

A Chinese guy goes to work at Amazon.
On his first day the manager says to him, "Ok I'm going to put you in Goods Inwards in charge of supplies".
So after a couple of hours or so the manager goes to find him to see how he's getting on, but can't find him.
"He's probably having a break" thinks the manager, "I"ll check on him later".
Gets to lunch break and the manager thinks, "Oh, I wonder how the Chinese guy is getting on? I"ll go into the canteen and ask him".
Anyway, there is no one in the canteen, so the manager thinks, "The guy must be busy in the warehouse, I'll have to go and look for him in there".
Anyway, after going up and down each aisle he finally reaches a large pile of boxes right at the bottom of the warehouse.
He hasn't seen the Chinese guy despite his intensive search and there's only this huge stack of cardboard boxes left.
Just as the manager is about to turn back and go to his office out jumps the Chinese guy -












"SUPPLIES"....

 

[bennyboy]

X

 

[Lavinda Past]

I saw two huge black birds in my garden this morning and they were stuck together…

Turns out they were Velcrows

 

[Lavinda Past]

I keep losing my computer but luckily it always finds its way back to me.

Return Of The Mac

 

[Lavinda Past]

I had a dream that I was swimming in an orange-flavored ocean.

But it was just a Fanta sea.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I can't stand hornets and wasps.

Bloody wannabees