Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I have a Polish friend who is a sound technician.

And a Czech one, too.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was on a plane and the attendant asked if I would care for orange juice.

I told her, "Only if it really needs me to."

 

[Lavinda Past]

On the third day, the stone was rolled away and the tomb was empty.

What most people don't know is that the tomb was also completely dust free and tidy.

Jesus swept.

 

[Lavinda Past]

BGAN

That's bang out of order.

 

[Lavinda Past]

A Chinese guy goes to work at Amazon.
On his first day the manager says to him, "Ok I'm going to put you in Goods Inwards in charge of supplies".
So after a couple of hours or so the manager goes to find him to see how he's getting on, but can't find him.
"He's probably having a break" thinks the manager, "I"ll check on him later".
Gets to lunch break and the manager thinks, "Oh, I wonder how the Chinese guy is getting on? I"ll go into the canteen and ask him".
Anyway, there is no one in the canteen, so the manager thinks, "The guy must be busy in the warehouse, I'll have to go and look for him in there".
Anyway, after going up and down each aisle he finally reaches a large pile of boxes right at the bottom of the warehouse.
He hasn't seen the Chinese guy despite his intensive search and there's only this huge stack of cardboard boxes left.
Just as the manager is about to turn back and go to his office out jumps the Chinese guy -












"SUPPLIES"....

I've been banned for less than this...

No supplies there though.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Grassland Blue]

Two blokes get washed up nearly naked onto a small deserted desert island.
They drag themselves out of the water and stumble across the sand to a palm tree which they sit under, propping themselves up against it.
Due to their exhaustion at swimming to the island, they both fall fast asleep.

Several hours later one of the men wakes up and notices his legs are red, as are his arms and torso.
He looks across at the other man who is in a similar state.
"Wake up, wake up", he says.
"Wh - what is it, what's wrong?" the other man asks.
"Well, I hate to tell you, but it looks like we're marooned!".....

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Dear Sheikh Mansour

I miss the true spirit of football when I attend matches at the Etihad Stadium.

Do you think it would be possible for the club to show a 3 minute video of Liverpool fans singing "You'll never walk alone" just before kick off in every City home game?

It means so much to the game and I'm sure all real football fans would appreciate it.

Regards

Lavinda

PS... Don't forget to turn the volume up really loud.