Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My wife's got a job as a traffic warden. I think the power has gone to her head.

We were having sex last night and afterwards she said "that will be £40"

I said "for fuck sake, I was only in there 2 minutes"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Its been reported that a dogging site has appeared next to a school playground in a quiet Surrey village.

There have been a number of complaints.

Quite right too, who wants noisy kids putting you off.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got four quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend.... Who's laughing now?

 

[dronefromsector7G]

View attachment 134295

Ironically they missed the one place an apostrophe was require’d

:-)

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke went to a funeral and says to the grieving widow, "I'd like to say a word, if that's ok?" She says, "of course, that's fine."

He stands up, only to say "Bargain", and sits back down.

The wife wipes away a tear, touches him gently on the shoulder and says "That meant a great deal."

Another man asks to say a word and the wife agrees. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Infinity“.

The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means more than you know“.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Stephen Hawking went on a blind date.

He arrived home later that night with cuts, bruises, broken ribs and his glasses smashed.

She stood him up.

 

[ray21]

I'm selling a load of books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

The Wealdstone Raider.

 

[sir baconface]