Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I'm selling a load of books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

 

[Lavinda Past]

I hope I live long enough to see the world without plagiarism.

You may say that I'm a dreamer...

But I'm not the only one.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate puts his blood, sweat and tears in his work

Hard working bloke

Terrible chef

 

[Grassland Blue]

Do you remember that musllim surrealist?




Muhammad Dali.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

It's the 1970s...

A man goes into Burton's in Birmingham to buy a new suit. After going through all the usual choices, he settles on a nice single breated two-button charcoal grey suit with a single vent and three buttons on each sleeve.

The salesman then persuades him to add a shirt, one with a complementary pink stripe and then he asks, “How about we finish off with a nice kipper tie?”

“That would be lovely”, replies the customer, “milk and two sugars please”.

Noddy Holder wants his joke back

 

[Vienna_70]

An American man has been found guilty of stealing 2000 erasers and 150 bottles of Tippex from an office supply cupboard.

The judge sentenced him to six months in a correctional facility.

We were in Walmart on one occasion, when they had a school supplies sale.

Mrs Vienna said, "I’ll get some pencils and rubbers for the grandchildren".

I reminded her that she should call them erasers, as rubbers are a company different thing in the States.

 

[Vienna_70]

 

[mrcunny]

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on it's hind legs telling jokes.

It was a stand up chameleon.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

My wife's got a job as a traffic warden. I think the power has gone to her head.

We were having sex last night and afterwards she said "that will be £40"

I said "for fuck sake, I was only in there 2 minutes"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Its been reported that a dogging site has appeared next to a school playground in a quiet Surrey village.

There have been a number of complaints.

Quite right too, who wants noisy kids putting you off.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I took a vase to get valued on the Antiques Roadshow and they told me it was 'absolutely priceless'.

Well, I got four quid for it at a car boot sale last weekend.... Who's laughing now?

 

[dronefromsector7G]

View attachment 134295

Ironically they missed the one place an apostrophe was require’d

:-)

 

[Lavinda Past]

A bloke went to a funeral and says to the grieving widow, "I'd like to say a word, if that's ok?" She says, "of course, that's fine."

He stands up, only to say "Bargain", and sits back down.

The wife wipes away a tear, touches him gently on the shoulder and says "That meant a great deal."

Another man asks to say a word and the wife agrees. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Infinity“.

The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means more than you know“.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Stephen Hawking went on a blind date.

He arrived home later that night with cuts, bruises, broken ribs and his glasses smashed.

She stood him up.

 

[ray21]

I'm selling a load of books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.

Who wants some?

The Wealdstone Raider.

 

[sir baconface]