Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

My good friend Carlos Vega, now 66 years old, was walking with a 24-year-old hottie. We met and talked for a while in a bar. When she went to the bathroom, I asked her:

-Carlos, how do you make such a monumental woman happy?

My dear friend, very calmly told me:

-I have realized that to maintain an optimal and excellent relationship with any woman, the most important thing is

WHERE KISSES ARE GIVEN!

I was astonished and immediately, with morbid anxiety, I asked him again:

-Well, Carlitos, where do you kiss her?

Without losing his composure, he replied:

In Paris, London, Madrid, Rome, New York, Miami, Las Vegas, Cancun, Abu Dhabi, Dubai, Hong Kong

 

[Lavinda Past]

This year I have decided to release a Christmas record called "Duvet Know it's Christmas"?

It's a Cover Version

 

[Lavinda Past]

My sandwich toaster plays Elvis songs


It's a Breville in disguise

 

[Lavinda Past]

I plan to start a company selling my new invention.

It converts dog shit into toothpaste.

I just need some help getting it off the ground.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I have been elected president of my local Tourettes group.

I will be sworn in next Tuesday.

 

[Lavinda Past]

News just in...

Industry insiders say that the proposed closure of Ryanair customer service department could cost up to two jobs.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Did you hear about the bloke on Stars in their Eyes?

He turned up to be Glenn Miller and he went through the fog and disappeared!

 

[Lavinda Past]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon:
They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked. "Ewww! What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child." He answered.
"You mean polio?" She asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What’s wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They’re all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles." He explained.
"You mean measles?" She asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don’t tell me." She said. "Let me guess. Smallcox?"

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just read a really interesting article about the increasing levels of truancy in British schools.

It was by Marcus Absent

 

[Vienna_70]

After visiting a house of ill repute, a bloke developed growths on his penis, so he booked an appointment with his GP.

The doctor explained that he had brothel sprouts.