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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,
The retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of ..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go and get fucked."
After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees,
The retiring colonel said "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics.
I have researched the history of ..."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to go and get fucked."
I'm humming it to myself nowI've just tried some of the Elvis Costello's new Mediterranean sausages.
They were wonderful. I think olive salami is here to stay.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Same here!I'm humming it to myself now
HorlocksWalk
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 12 Nov 2013
- Messages
- 752
Don't forget to hum a bleep when the n word pops upI'm humming it to myself now
East Level 2
Well-Known Member
The diseases were toesalitis, kneemonia and dicktheria the first time I heard that.A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon:
They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked. "Ewww! What’s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child." He answered.
"You mean polio?" She asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What’s wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They’re all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles." He explained.
"You mean measles?" She asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don’t tell me." She said. "Let me guess. Smallcox?"
JRockBlues
Well-Known Member
Most people don’t realize Argentina is so cold.
It’s bordering on Chile.
It’s bordering on Chile.
Guy Called mark walking past the churchyard, hears mark,mark from the other side of the wall, he walks a bit further and hears it again mark.mark … he goes up to the church door and knocks , the vicar opens the door and mark says I think the lord is calling my name ? To which the vicar replies no he’s not … my dogs got a cold !