Joke thread

Did you know that the lead singer of "The Blockheads" has had a mental breakdown. He now spends his days thinking that he's a sensitive slug. We could all poke fun at him of course, but that'd just be addin' salt to Ian Dury.

Haters feel free to call me a **** for that one.
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
Did you know that the lead singer of "The Blockheads" has had a mental breakdown. He now spends his days thinking that he's a sensitive slug. We could all poke fun at him of course, but that'd just be addin' salt to Ian Dury.

Haters feel free to call me a c**t for that one.
Click to expand...

I'm a liker, but for that, your a ****;)
 
I hate to repeat them but this little lot came in an email at work:

Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It's dread-full.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!

Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where’s Popcorn?"

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name

Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha

Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A: USB

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.

Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.

Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: A Roaming Catholic

Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle

Q. What did the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around

Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
A: You are too little to smoke!
 
I used to love lending money to people, lost interest in it recently though.

We were given an assignment. I handed in my essay and I told the professor, I will pass this exam, mark my words!

At the airport I said to my mate "Here's that bag of heroin you wanted.." He didn't say a word, nothing. He just snatched it out of my hand.
I looked at him and shouted "Stick it up your arse then you twat."
 
TangerineSteve17 said:
I sneaked up on the man who played Rocky and Rambo and punched him in the back of the head. It was a sly dig.

My wife tells me I'm not half the man I used to be, which is a bit unfair, although I have lost a certain zest after having my legs amputated.

I was playing cricket and managed to score 236 runs before I got out.
My mate said "We're gonna win because of you! You'll have to play next time!"
I said "This is justa big inning."
Click to expand...
Ha ha, are you Tim Vine mate? you've got some repertoire there.
 
nobody can eat fifty eggs said:
Ha ha, are you Tim Vine mate? you've got some repertoire there.
Click to expand...

hehe, no, but I like his style.


My mate started slapping me in the face, just because I always pull when we go out and he never does. Smacks of desperation if you ask me.

I like what decorators wear...overall.

I play a new version of tenpin where the ball weighs a tonne, and it's first to a million strikes wins. It's Hyperbole.
 
I bought my mumbling alcoholic wife a red rose, an egg beater and a pizza for her birthday. She slapped me across the face and said "I wanted a Rosé, Whiskey and a Margarita you twat!"

I was in a supermarket and a woman at a tester stall said "Hello! Would you like to try a piece of this new ham?"
I said "Is it cured?"
She said "No, it's dead"

I asked my dad "Can you name any decent 70's bands?"
He said "Yes."
I said "Who?"
He said "Them too"
I said "They were 60's weren't they?"
 
Reilly joined the British Parachute Regiment and was on his first drop. Falling from the plane he pulled his ripcord but his chute never deployed. He pulled the handle for his reserve chute but discovered that was useless as well. Falling towards earth he noticed something approaching him at high speed. It was Murphy the plumber.
"Do you know anything about parachutes?" cried Reilly.
"No" shouts Murphy. "Do you know anything about gas cookers?"
 
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