Joke thread

[Anonymous]

Is he still alive, or has he gone on a little break?

Who, what, when?

PM if need be

Someone posted a long list of analogies/comparisons people use when they are sweating:

I'm sweating like....

a pregnant dog
a priest in a playground


And so on.

However, it seems he mustn't have read the full list (must have been about 50 analogies) as some were distinctly un pc as they involved race/colour/religion etc. Or, he might have read the list and thought "fuck it"?

 

[poh]

I was out for a walk down a country lane today,when I saw a rabbit in the middle of the lane,I looked at it,it looked at me and then shouted at me "are you looking at me"...........it was Rabbit De Niro............coat got,door closed on way out.

 

[TangerineSteve17]

My great-grandfather (well, my grandfather, but he was a nice bloke) was a war vet. He saw some blood that man, people don't give enough thought to all the animals that get hurt during a battle.

I picked a buttercup from a field. I got in my car and drove all the way to the beach. I ripped the head and petals off and threw what was left in the sea. (I'm not finishing this "joke" off..it's bloody obvious)

An Irish woman gave birth to a girl, the baby came out without any blood, any gunk, and smelling of roses. She called her Pristine.

I had a good hiding place as a kid. The cellar. My dad would batter me down there so nobody could hear me scream.

 

[BlueBearBoots]

Have you used all your Christmas crackers TS? :(

 

[paphos-mcfc]

I was out for a walk down a country lane today,when I saw a rabbit in the middle of the lane,I looked at it,it looked at me and then shouted at me "are you looking at me"...........it was Rabbit De Niro............coat got,door closed on way out.

No offer of a carpet then?

 

[TangerineSteve17]

Have you used all your Christmas crackers TS? :(

I'm not sure, I'll have to check the loft :/

My best mate is a drug smuggler all around Africa. I got a phone call. "Mate, I've been caught. They're gonna flay me!" I said "Good luck with that." and hung up. Well he knew the risks, it's no skin off my back.

I was in a quarry, I said to this man "That's a big rock!"
He said "Boulder?"
I said "THAT'S A BIG ROCK"

Got a phone call from my sadistic mate.
He said "I've got a man tied down and I need to think of a way of torturing him so he'll tell me what I need to know. Advice?"
I said "That's a good idea, just don't tighten it too far."

I went into a Tailors and the man said "Hello sir, can I help you?" I ignored him. He said "Sir...?" I turned away. He said "Well suit yourself then."

My dad has died unfortunately. He had £6.80 in his bank account.

 

[BlueBearBoots]

The Boulder one made me laugh :)



sometimes I have to read your jokes twice before the light goes on lol

 

[TangerineSteve17]

The Boulder one made me laugh :)



sometimes I have to read your jokes twice before the light goes on lol

Ah! That was the only one that wasn't mine! That's a Tim Vine joke.

 

[Dicko69]

TS, what's the punchline to the buttercup at the beach joke?

 

[jimharri]

The Boulder one made me laugh :)



sometimes I have to read your jokes twice before the light goes on lol

*must not pass comment*