Joke thread

Anger Management ..... It works !



“When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don’t know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”

I politely said, “This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear, “Get the right f***ing number!” and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a**hole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word “a**hole” next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a**hole!” It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic a**hole calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re an a**hole!” and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a**hole, I thought that I’d better call the BMW a**hole, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?” He said, “Yes, it is.” I then asked, “Can you tell me where I can see it?” He said, “Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. It’s a yellow ranch style house, and the car’s parked right out in front.” I asked, “What’s your name?” He said, “My name is Don Hansen.” I asked, “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” He said, “I’m home every evening after five.” I said, “Listen, Don, can I tell you something?” He said, “Yes?” I said, “Don, you’re an a**hole!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea… I called a**hole #1. He said, “Hello.” I said, “You’re an a**hole!” but I didn’t hang up. He asked, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah!” He screamed, “Stop calling me!” I said, “Make me.” He asked, “Who are you?” I said, “My name is Don Hansen.” He said, “Yeah? Where do you live?” I said, “a**hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax. A yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.” He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, a**hole” and hung up.

Then I called a**hole #2. He said, “Hello?” I said, “Hello, a**hole.” He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…” I said, “You’ll what?” He exclaimed, “I’ll kick your ass!” I answered, “Well, a**hole, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd. in Fairfax to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch the two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better.
 
dronefromsector7g said:
My wife was taking a bath the other day and she got her big toe stuck up the cold tap. It would not come out whatever we tried,so in desperation i had to call in a plumber. To preserve her modesty I put a bowler hat over her pussy.I said to the plumber "can you please get her toe out of the tap"?
He replied " Yes, no problem, but I can do fuck all for Acker Bilk"


FFS I thought the Fanny Craddock one was scraping the bottom of 1980's joke barrel!
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."






To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
Two nuns were asked by the Mother Superior to decorate the inside of the monastery, but under no circumstances were they to get even one drop of paint on their habits. After an hour of really slow going, one nun says "This is far too slow. Why don't we take off our clothes, finish decorating, then re-dress again? No-one will know..." And that's exactly what they did.
But before long there came a knock at the front door, so quite startled, the first nun calls "Who is it?"
"I'm the blind man" came the reply. So the nuns relax and the first goes off and opens the door.
"Wow, great body lady! Now where do you want these blinds...?"
 
I'm absolutely knackered after my French self defence class last night




I've never ran so far away in all my life...
 
Tanzeylee said:
I'm absolutely knackered after my French self defence class last night




I've never ran so far away in all my life...
hiKVziV.jpg
 
My attempt at the corniest joke in the world.

A unicorn, a leprechaun and The Jolly Green Giant are all in court about to be sentenced for a wrong-doing of which they are guilty. Luckily they receive no punishment because the honourable judge stands and declares that it is a myth-trial.

Now that's folk law for you.
 
Woman takes her very still, very stiff hamster to the vet.
The vet takes one look and says 'I'm sorry but Hammy is dead'
'I want a second opinion' the woman says. So another vet comes in, takes one look and says ' he's right, it's dead'
' I want a test doing' says the woman. So the vet, to accommodate her wishes, brings in a cat, which he explains would get excited if the hamster was alive as itd want to chase it around. The cat looks the hamster up and down and walks off.
'See' says the vet, 'it's dead'
' I want another test doing' cries the woman, ' the cat could be wrong too'
So the vet brings in his pet Labrador. 'He's trained to retrieve live animals and birds so if the hamsters alive he'll fetch it back to me' says the vet as he picks up the hamster and tosses it to the other side of the examination room. The dog runs over and sniffs at the hamster, turns to look at the vet and appears to shake it's head.
'Happy with our collective diagnosis are you' asks the vet.
The woman nods, puts the hamster back in it's box and goes to leave. As she reaches the door the receptionist hands her a bill for £200.
'What?' Screams the woman, '£200 to tell me a hamsters dead, that's scandalous' she cries.
'Not really' says the vet, 'it would have been free if you'd taken my word but the second vets opinion was £30, the cat scan £70 and the lab report £100'
 
Pelly Greeny said:
Woman takes her very still, very stiff hamster to the vet.
The vet takes one look and says 'I'm sorry but Hammy is dead'
'I want a second opinion' the woman says. So another vet comes in, takes one look and says ' he's right, it's dead'
' I want a test doing' says the woman. So the vet, to accommodate her wishes, brings in a cat, which he explains would get excited if the hamster was alive as itd want to chase it around. The cat looks the hamster up and down and walks off.
'See' says the vet, 'it's dead'
' I want another test doing' cries the woman, ' the cat could be wrong too'
So the vet brings in his pet Labrador. 'He's trained to retrieve live animals and birds so if the hamsters alive he'll fetch it back to me' says the vet as he picks up the hamster and tosses it to the other side of the examination room. The dog runs over and sniffs at the hamster, turns to look at the vet and appears to shake it's head.
'Happy with our collective diagnosis are you' asks the vet.
The woman nods, puts the hamster back in it's box and goes to leave. As she reaches the door the receptionist hands her a bill for £200.
'What?' Screams the woman, '£200 to tell me a hamsters dead, that's scandalous' she cries.
'Not really' says the vet, 'it would have been free if you'd taken my word but the second vets opinion was £20, the cat scan £70 and the lab report £100'
I still don't believe the hamster is dead.
 

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