Joke thread

[tommcfc]

This guy was working in a lab which had bred a strain of dolphins that would live forever as long as they were fed seagulls every day. One day the lab ran out of seagulls and the man had to run out and get some. As he neared the beach, he saw a group of lions sleeping in the path. He carefully stepped over them, dashed down to the beach and collected some seagulls, but as he was returning to the lab he was arrested for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.

One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.

The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

 

[foetus]

This guy was working in a lab which had bred a strain of dolphins that would live forever as long as they were fed seagulls every day. One day the lab ran out of seagulls and the man had to run out and get some. As he neared the beach, he saw a group of lions sleeping in the path. He carefully stepped over them, dashed down to the beach and collected some seagulls, but as he was returning to the lab he was arrested for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.

One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.

The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

 

[Zubrman]

This guy was working in a lab which had bred a strain of dolphins that would live forever as long as they were fed seagulls every day. One day the lab ran out of seagulls and the man had to run out and get some. As he neared the beach, he saw a group of lions sleeping in the path. He carefully stepped over them, dashed down to the beach and collected some seagulls, but as he was returning to the lab he was arrested for transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.

One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.

The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

He would; he's American too.

 

[Ste1969]

Newsweek: Why do you hate non- Muslims?
ISIS guy: Because they drink and have sex without marriage.
Newsweek: But why do you kill them?
ISIS guy: So we could go to heaven.
Newsweek: And why do you want to go to heaven?
ISIS guy: So we could drink and have free sex.

Just saw a Facebook status of a girl I know: "Omg! Can't help it! I'm obsess with Big Macs."

I commented: "Oops, you made a spelling mistake."

She said: "Haha, it's obsessed, right?"

I replied: "No, it's obese, you fat ****."

 

[BlueBearBoots]

Newsweek: Why do you hate non- Muslims?
ISIS guy: Because they drink and have sex without marriage.
Newsweek: But why do you kill them?
ISIS guy: So we could go to heaven.
Newsweek: And why do you want to go to heaven?
ISIS guy: So we could drink and have free sex.

Just saw a Facebook status of a girl I know: "Omg! Can't help it! I'm obsess with Big Macs."

I commented: "Oops, you made a spelling mistake."

She said: "Haha, it's obsessed, right?"

I replied: "No, it's obese, you fat c**t."

Haha good one that

 

[Hamann Pineapple]

 

[@nimal]

My wife, Stephanie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Yesterday, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Stephanie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to Accident and Emergency.
The Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Stephanie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[@nimal]

Halfway through my shift at the photo shop yesterday,
a guy came in to pick up some photos of his naked wife.
Naturally, I'd had a little peek at them, so as I handed them over.
I asked "Would you like the negatives?"
"Yes please," he said sheepishly.










I said, "Ok then. Your wife's got saggy tits a fat arse and she should seriously think about giving that fanny of hers a good trim...."

 

[dronefromsector7g]

My wife was taking a bath the other day and she got her big toe stuck up the cold tap. It would not come out whatever we tried,so in desperation i had to call in a plumber. To preserve her modesty I put a bowler hat over her pussy.I said to the plumber "can you please get her toe out of the tap"?
He replied " Yes, no problem, but I can do fuck all for Acker Bilk"

 

[@nimal]

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"