Joke thread

A couple were invited to a masked fancy dress party. That evening the wife gets a terrible headache and tells her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his enjoyment to be spoiled by her not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, but unknown to him that she knew what his was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every good looking lady he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After a few more drinks things were starting to really heat up between them and, without saying a word, he took her by the hand and let her off to the car park where they went to one of the cars and had sex in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and Bob, so we went in the spare room and played poker all evening."You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
 
The BBC hear of an ancient Israeli who has been worshipping at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem for many many years, so they send a reporter out to interview him.

The reporter gets to Jerusalem and sees a very old man up against the Wall, muttering his prayers. He asks him his name: "Abraham Rabinovitz" replies the old man. "And have you been saying prayers here for a long time?" "Oh yes, seventy-five years, every day, come rain or shine."
"So what do you pray for?" asks the BBC man. "I pray for world peace, that Jews, Christians and Muslims may live peaceably side by side, that all wars will cease and that every person will respect his or her fellows in true harmony".
"And has God listened to all your prayers, do you think?"
"Oh no", replies the old man "...it's like talking to a f***ing brick wall".
 
A very successful MP (pick your party!) parked his brand new Bentley in front of his
constituencyoffice, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a policeman in a patrol car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the politician started
screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased
the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the MP finally calmed down, the policeman shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you politicianss are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the MP.
The officer replied, "Don't you even realize that your right arm is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the MP.
"My Rolex!"
 
jimharri said:
A very successful MP (pick your party!) parked his brand new Bentley in front of his
constituencyoffice, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a policeman in a patrol car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the politician started
screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased
the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the MP finally calmed down, the policeman shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you politicianss are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the MP.
The officer replied, "Don't you even realize that your right arm is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the MP.
"My Rolex!"
Click to expand...

You've posted some good ones, especially the last one with the fancy dress. But I didn't enjoy that one, keep your chin up though.
 
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