Joke thread

A couple were invited to a masked fancy dress party. That evening the wife gets a terrible headache and tells her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his enjoyment to be spoiled by her not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, but unknown to him that she knew what his was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every good looking lady he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After a few more drinks things were starting to really heat up between them and, without saying a word, he took her by the hand and let her off to the car park where they went to one of the cars and had sex in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and Bob, so we went in the spare room and played poker all evening."You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied,
"Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
 
The BBC hear of an ancient Israeli who has been worshipping at the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem for many many years, so they send a reporter out to interview him.

The reporter gets to Jerusalem and sees a very old man up against the Wall, muttering his prayers. He asks him his name: "Abraham Rabinovitz" replies the old man. "And have you been saying prayers here for a long time?" "Oh yes, seventy-five years, every day, come rain or shine."
"So what do you pray for?" asks the BBC man. "I pray for world peace, that Jews, Christians and Muslims may live peaceably side by side, that all wars will cease and that every person will respect his or her fellows in true harmony".
"And has God listened to all your prayers, do you think?"
"Oh no", replies the old man "...it's like talking to a f***ing brick wall".
 
A very successful MP (pick your party!) parked his brand new Bentley in front of his
constituencyoffice, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a policeman in a patrol car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the politician started
screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased
the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the MP finally calmed down, the policeman shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you politicianss are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the MP.
The officer replied, "Don't you even realize that your right arm is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the MP.
"My Rolex!"
 
jimharri said:
A very successful MP (pick your party!) parked his brand new Bentley in front of his
constituencyoffice, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a policeman in a patrol car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the politician started
screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased
the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.
After the MP finally calmed down, the policeman shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you politicianss are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the MP.
The officer replied, "Don't you even realize that your right arm is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the MP.
"My Rolex!"
Click to expand...

You've posted some good ones, especially the last one with the fancy dress. But I didn't enjoy that one, keep your chin up though.
 
Couldn't believe it the other day this hot blonde who I knew from Uni 20 years ago called be out of the blue and asked me if I'd like to go for a drink. I said "I've aged a bit you probably won't recognise me". She said "It's ok that doesn't matter". I said "I've also gone almost completely bald". She said "I don't mind". I then told her "I also got a massive beer gut". She said "Look to tell you the truth I find older men who are balding and fat a real turn on, they excite me in all kinds of ways!". I said "Oh that's excellent". She then said "You needn't worry I've put on 6 or 7 pounds myself". So I told her to fuck off.
 
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A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

Father,' the son said,You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.
 
Once upon a time there was a little boy.
This little boy was born with a straaaaange condition. You see, this little boy was born without a body. He had no arms, no legs, and no torso. He was just a head.

Because he was still a little boy head, he had little boy desires and his parents couldn't bear to see him in his room, just sitting there lonely, nothing to do. So his parents attached his head to a piece of 2x4 board so it would stay upright. I think they used double sided tape, I'm not sure. It could have been glue.
Anyway, they decided to set the little boy's head onto his window sill in his room during the day so he could watch all the other boys across the street play catch in the field. At least then, he could imagine being a regular boy and playing ball outside with other regular boys.

So every day, he watched the other kids play catch, and every night he went to bed he wished really hard to be a normal boy with arms, legs and a torso so he could go across the street and play with the other kids. He was so lonely. All he could do was roll around in his room, because he was nothing but a head.

One particular night, the little boy head had enough. He was becoming depressed, anxious, and he could not hold out any longer. He couldn't do it. This was no life for a little boy, being either taped or glued to a board and spending his days gazing longingly out a window where just across the street was a life he knew he'd never have.
It was just about time for his parents to come and carry him into bed. The sun was dipping below the horizon as he watched all the other boys laugh and fake punch each other as they left the field to go home on their regular legs to their regular lives.
It was then that the little boy saw it. A shooting star...

Quickly, he wished, wished, and wished really hard. This was his last chance, because if this didn't work, he might become depressed forever and watch television for the rest of his days. He wished for the biggest wish of all, that he might become a regular little boy with regular arms and regular legs so he could go play with the other regular boys. After some time of wishing very hard, he fell asleep on the window sill. His mother came and tucked him in as he slumbered.

The next morning, blanket up to his chin, he awoke to the sound of cheerful birds singing and rays of sunlight peeking through his curtains drawing shapes on his bedroom wall. He could hear the regular boys playing across the street, laughing and joking gleefully.
Still groggy from sleep, he felt something. Something under the covers. Looking down, it was as though someone put pillows down there. But he was the pillows? He could move? HE HAD A BODY???

He THREW the covers off to discover a full body! Like the force of a thousand lightning bolts he jumped out of his bed and darted through the bedroom door, and all the way out the front door before his parents had even had a chance to respond to all the racket.

Across the lawn he ran, fast as any regular boy he'd ever seen. This was amazing! He was a regular boy!

He reached the pavement of the street separating his yard from the field where the boys were playing ball. In a sheer moment of triumph, the new regular boy reached the center of the street, gaining speed, and all the other regular boys turned their heads toward him...

Their surprise gave way to horror as the blare of the horn of an 18-wheeler preceded the sickening "THWACK" sound as the full weight of that vehicle slammed into the kid at a full 55 miles per hour, completely obliterating him. It was all slow motion, but it happened so fast. And if that kid had any shoes on him, they'd have been knocked clean to Kansas.

There was a lot of grief, lives broken, things that could not be unseen. That little boy's family buried him two days later. All the regular boys attended. It was a solemn occasion, but they remembered the headstone the most. And on the headstone read, "Quit while you're ahead."
 
foetus said:
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

Father,' the son said,You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.
Click to expand...
Wasted 2 minutes of my life on that crap..... I should ban you.....
 
Mad Eyed Screamer said:
Wasted 2 minutes of my life on that crap..... I should ban you.....
Click to expand...
QI2a8U6.png




actually, yeh sorry..couldn't help myself after I read it
 
When Eric finally retired after working 40 years, he decided to take Elsie, his wife on a cruise.
A few nights into the voyage and Elsie turns to Eric and says, "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Eric says, "Everyone will probably be watching the band."
"There isn't a band playing tonight", replies Elsie
"Well," Eric says, "I definitely heard someone say, a band on ship."
 
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