Joke thread

[Kippax77]

Out shopping with my brother who was buying a new top.
He picked out a black shirt as his 1st choice and said "what do you think"?
I replied "you'll look like a snooker player in that".
Moving on his next choice was a grotesque floral number.
I said you'll look like Magnum P.I. in that.
Moving further through the store something caught my eye and i said to him "there's the one i'd get"
Then all of a sudden out of nowhere a cyclops ran over and headbutted me

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Out shopping with my brother who was buying a new top.
He picked out a black shirt as his 1st choice and said "what do you think"?
I replied "you'll look like a snooker player in that".
Moving on his next choice was a grotesque floral number.
I said you'll look like Magnum P.I. in that.
Moving further through the store something caught my eye and i said to him "there's the one i'd get"
Then all of a sudden out of nowhere a cyclops ran over and headbutted me

....took me a minute or two.

 

[sir baconface]

Desperate Scousers In COVID times...

 

[LWashington]

....took me a minute or two.

Took me longer than that, after barking up two wrong trees. First, I thought it was something to do with Magnum P.I. (Like Pee Eye) . Then I saw the phrase "something caught my eye" and I thought he'd taken his own eye out on the edge of a clothes rack and panicked, running into a mirror.

 

[BigJoe#1]

Someone I know in the early hours of the morning when pissed, decided to take a bus home and walked into Stockport bus station and came out driving a bus
He was headed towards Mersey square and saw a police car ahead, so pulled the bus over, got out and calmly walked away leaving the bus with the engine running

I tried to do that.

Problem was the only number 17 was right at the back of the garage and I couldn't be arsed to move the fifteen busses in front of it....

 

[Blue Maverick]

Out shopping with my brother who was buying a new top.
He picked out a black shirt as his 1st choice and said "what do you think"?
I replied "you'll look like a snooker player in that".
Moving on his next choice was a grotesque floral number.
I said you'll look like Magnum P.I. in that.
Moving further through the store something caught my eye and i said to him "there's the one i'd get"
Then all of a sudden out of nowhere a cyclops ran over and headbutted me

Nope don’t get it!

 

[TheRemainsOfTheDave]

Nope don’t get it!

Read it as "There's the one-eyed get".

"get" is a polite variation of "git" and isn't heard as much these days, perhaps it's a regional thing.

 

[Big Swifty]

.....and it was Carter's first name in that film with Michael Caine.......

 

[jimharri]

.....and it was Carter's first name in that film with Michael Caine.......

#pissholesinthesnow

 

[Blue Maverick]

Read it as "There's the one-eyed get".

"get" is a polite variation of "git" and isn't heard as much these days, perhaps it's a regional thing.

Ah git it now thanks

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Nope don’t get it!

" There's the one eyed git....."

A cyclops is a mythical creature and has only one eye and by chance there happened to be one in the shop who just happened to hear the conversation and rightly, took action.






Standards really are slipping on here.

 

[1.618034]

 

[Ste1969]

Bad news for dyslexics on the 25th of october, your cocks go black.

 

[BlueMoonRisin’]

Bad news for dyslexics on the 28th of october, your cocks go black.

Clack blocks matter; )

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[jimharri]

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. At the end of their collective tether, they decide to consult a sexual therapist. Said therapist listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion; “Hire a strapping younger man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm.” They go home and follow the advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the therapist. “Okay," he says to the husband; "Try it in reverse. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.” Once again, they follow the advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you dozy fucker? THAT'S how you wave a towel!”

 

[dickie davies]

 

[Bill Walker]

Once there was a King who was only 12 inches tall , he was a terrible King, but
He made a great ruler

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Once there was a King who was only 12 inches tall , he was a terrible King, but
He made a great ruler

Dreadful.

You need to draw a line under that

 

[Man_City_Loyal]

Bad news for dyslexics on the 25th of october, your cocks go black.

HAHA