talkativesprout
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 30 Mar 2009
- Messages
- 10,294
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
jimharri
Moderator
I just bought a Jehovah's Witness advent calendar.
Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.
Every time you open a door someone tells you to fuck off.
Big Swifty
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 8 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 4,367
Funeral stories:
I was driving to a friend's cremation but was held up in heavy traffic. I rang the crem and said "I'll be late for the ceremony - can you keep him on a low light till I get there?"
I went to the funeral of another friend who died after being hit by a tennis ball. It was a wonderful service.
Another friend was cremated but afterwards when they looked for his ashes the coffin was burnt up but he was unscathed. As I explained - he'd been on anti-inflammatories.
I was driving to a friend's cremation but was held up in heavy traffic. I rang the crem and said "I'll be late for the ceremony - can you keep him on a low light till I get there?"
I went to the funeral of another friend who died after being hit by a tennis ball. It was a wonderful service.
Another friend was cremated but afterwards when they looked for his ashes the coffin was burnt up but he was unscathed. As I explained - he'd been on anti-inflammatories.
Big Swifty
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 8 Nov 2011
- Messages
- 4,367
I had the trots so I went to Superdrug and asked if the sold bedpans. They said "No - have you tried Boots?"
I replied "Yes, but it keeps seeping out through the lace-holes"
I replied "Yes, but it keeps seeping out through the lace-holes"
jimharri
Moderator
Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Pat: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example .... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Pat: - Er ... mmm ...... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Pat: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ....... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Pat: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.
Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Seamus: - What's that then?
Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Seamus: - Nope
Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker
jimharri
Moderator
"Mr Mouse, I'm afraid we can't grant a divorce simply because Minnie has unattractive teeth."
"Unattractive teeth? Who said anything about her teeth? I said she was fucking Goofy. "
First heard at the Hackney Empire, circa 1951.
"Unattractive teeth? Who said anything about her teeth? I said she was fucking Goofy. "
First heard at the Hackney Empire, circa 1951.
Magicpole
Well-Known Member
A rabbit walks into a hardware store and raps the counter three times and asks
Any carrots?
The shop owner replies
This is a hardware store we don't sell carrots.
For the next three days the same thing
Rat a tat, any carrots?
Eventually the guy snaps
Listen you buck toothed little ****.i don't sell carrots. If you come back in here asking for Carrots I'm going to tack your fucking front feet to that counter.
Next day the door opens and in walks the rabbit who asks.
Any tacks?
No, we've run out of tacks.
Rat a tat Any Carrots?
Any carrots?
The shop owner replies
This is a hardware store we don't sell carrots.
For the next three days the same thing
Rat a tat, any carrots?
Eventually the guy snaps
Listen you buck toothed little ****.i don't sell carrots. If you come back in here asking for Carrots I'm going to tack your fucking front feet to that counter.
Next day the door opens and in walks the rabbit who asks.
Any tacks?
No, we've run out of tacks.
Rat a tat Any Carrots?
ColinBellsjockstrap
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 23 Dec 2009
- Messages
- 8,487
A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture, when suddenly, a brand-new BMW roars towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the city-slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few seconds, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-word report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?".
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know nowt about my business.....
Now give me back my dog.”
The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, and Ray Bans, leans out and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the city-slicker, then at his field full of grazing sheep and calmly answers, "Sure."
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his notebook and connects it to a cell phone, then surfs to the NASA website, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, and then opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sends an email on his Blackberry and after a few seconds, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a 150-word report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer, turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?".
"OK, why not?" answers the young man.
"Clearly, you are a management consultant" says the shepherd.
"That's correct" says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know nowt about my business.....
Now give me back my dog.”