Joke thread

[prestonibbo_mcfc]

Couple driving down a lane, one wet and windy afternoon and suddenly they hear a thud from under the car.
They get out to take a look and see they have run over a badger.
The husband says to his wife, "I think it's still alive, it just needs warming through. Stick it between the tops of your thighs".
Wife complains "But it's all wet and smelly".
Husband says " Well if your that bothered, put your hand over the badger's snout".

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

A fella with two wooden legs.............his house caught fire.

The fire brigade saved his house but he was burnt to the ground.














And the insurance wouldn't pay up......they said he didn't have a leg to stand on.



Bernard Manning 1977

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I've just sold my homing pigeons on eBay for the 23rd time :-)

 

[Tuearts right boot]

What do you call a man with a 3" penis





















Justin

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My wife and I have been together for fifteen years, and she still gets upset whenever I use her toothbrush. So if anyone knows another way of getting dog shit off my trainers I'd be interested to hear it.

 

[toutmaster]

Trying to remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals, but I can't bloody recall.

I'm Livid!!

 

[jimharri]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

 

[mancitymick]

Sky News: A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.
He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.

 

[mancitymick]

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table being violently f*cked up the arse! Sometimes I think my Uncle Brian takes Monopoly too seriously

 

[kashmir]

A warning to all, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine.
Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police checkpoint On the A6 at high lane, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.
Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Double Decker before and I am not even sure where I got it from.