Joke thread

THE 1st AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

THE 2nd AFFAIR
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'

THE 3rd AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

THE 4th AFFAIR
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

THE 5th AFFAIR
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'

THE 6th & BEST AFFAIR
Jake as dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
‘There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
 
Just seen a lad I’d not seen for a while in bargain booze buying a can of coke, this fuckers the biggest alcoholic I know so I asked him why he was buying a can of coke, his reply really shook me up you’d buy a can of coke if you had what I’ve got he replied, fearing for his health I said why what have you got 80p he replied
 
Indaparkside said:
Just seen a lad I’d not seen for a while in bargain booze buying a can of coke, this fuckers the biggest alcoholic I know so I asked him why he was buying a can of coke, his reply really shook me up you’d buy a can of coke if you had what I’ve got he replied, fearing for his health I said why what have you got 80p he replied
Click to expand...
Haha - Wolfie Smith 1978, sat in a pub drinking orange squash, a personal favourite
 
Doctor joke from Australia,

A young lady goes to see her Gynaecologist with pelvic pain. He tells her to get behind the curtains, undress and let him know when she is ready to be examined.
"OK Doc am ready."
He proceeds to examine her and says," Ah yes, I can see the problem. You have an issue with your Aviaries."
Somewhat startled, she says," Dont you mean my Ovaries ?"
He quickly replies, "No there's been a Cockatoo up there"
 
Berts Neck said:
Doctor joke from Australia,

A young lady goes to see her Gynaecologist with pelvic pain. He tells her to get behind the curtains, undress and let him know when she is ready to be examined.
"OK Doc am ready."
He proceeds to examine her and says," Ah yes, I can see the problem. You have an issue with your Aviaries."
Somewhat startled, she says," Dont you mean my Ovaries ?"
He quickly replies, "No there's been a Cockatoo up there"
Click to expand...
No said the Dr, definitely a problem with your aviaries (as he pulls out two huge dildos) you had a cock or two that wouldn’t come out.
 
One of Bernard’s jokes, Usain Bolt queuing up in the vip section at the swamp security guard says can I see your ticket please so he shows him, sorry sir but your sat with the normal fans right around the other side, do you know who I am I’m usain bolt well it won’t take you very long to get there then will it.
 
A couple are in bed at 3am when they a woken by a loud banging at the door. The hubby goes down and comes back a few minutes later complaining that it was a drunk at the door asking for a push.
The wife said “oh dear, did you help him?” He replied “No I didn’t, it’s pissing down”
She replied “That terrible, it was only 3 months ago that we broke down on the carriageway and two lovely lads helped us and gave us a push. Remember God loves a drunk.”
Not wanting to have a row the hubby gets dressed, go’s outside and says
”Are you still there?”
”Yes”
”Do you still need a push?”
”Yes please”
”Well where are you?”
”Over here on the swing”
 
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