Joke thread

[super_city_si]

FIFY..
what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Spoiler

shit face

And....Not PC

what do you call a muslim with a pig on his head?

Spoiler

Hamed

what do you call a muslim with two pigs on his head?

Spoiler

mohamed

 

[dronefromsector7G]

How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

 

[chris63]

How do you know how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Very good

 

[chris63]

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

 

[Zuriblue]

Theresa May goes on a live T.V. debate on the B.B.C., after intense pressure, by the British public to hear her policies on important matters such as the NHS. Dimbleby keeps asking her questions about waiting times and privatisation of the NHS but, she can only answer "strong and stable" to them, over and over again. "Why do you answer 'strong and stable' to everything?" asks David Dimbleby and she replies "strong and stable". Dimbleby shakes his head in disbelief, turns to Jeremy Corbyn and asks him why does he think Theresa May keeps on saying "strong and stable", Corbyn says " I'm not sure David, but I know we're all sick of repeats on the B.B.C."

 

[Indaparkside]

Theresa May goes on a live T.V. debate on the B.B.C., after intense pressure, by the British public to hear her policies on important matters such as the NHS. Dimbleby keeps asking her questions about waiting times and privatisation of the NHS but, she can only answer "strong and stable" to them, over and over again. "Why do you answer 'strong and stable' to everything?" asks David Dimbleby and she replies "strong and stable". Dimbleby shakes his head in disbelief, turns to Jeremy Corbyn and asks him why does he think Theresa May keeps on saying "strong and stable", Corbyn says " I'm not sure David, but I know we're all sick of repeats on the B.B.C."

Don't give your day job up

 

[Sid C]

Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.

How do you know when a barmaid doesn't like you?

When you order a Bloody Mary and there's a string stuck out of it.

 

[Mansour's lamborghini]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I'v had"!!

 

[Sid C]

My son said to me last night "Dad can I ask you a question?"
I said. "Of course you can"
"It's a bit awkward" he began
I said "No probs, fire away."
"Why have you got your cock in the hoover?"

 

[Big Swifty]

Why is "jeweller" spelt "jeweler"? Why is "cheque" spelt "check"? Why is dollars not pounds?