Joke thread

[dickie davies]

So in your world you can't take the piss out of anyone?

Take the piss out of anyone you want mate
If we were in a pub and you told that joke I would have said the same without being aggressive or anything and you probably would have called me a silly soft ****
And then I'd have made you buy the next round
She's just one of those people I have the utmost respect for knowing her back story

 

[BimboBob]

Take the piss out of anyone you want mate
If we were in a pub and you told that joke I would have said the same without being aggressive or anything and you probably would have called me a silly soft ****
And then I'd have made you buy the next round
She's just one of those people I have the utmost respect for knowing her back story

Hold on, we are allowed in a pub! Fucking hell...one round? I'll buy 5!

I'd still tell you the joke though.

 

[Ancient Citizen]

Hold on, we are allowed in a pub! Fucking hell...one round? I'll buy 5!

I'd still tell you the joke though.

If I could get into a pub I'd buy every fucker in there a pint.

 

[Uwe Already]

If I could get into a pub I'd buy every fucker in there a pint.

wouldn’t cost much, since you’d be the only one there at the moment!

 

[Ancient Citizen]

wouldn’t cost much, since you’d be the only one there at the moment!

True, we can but dream, Ah well.

 

[johnnytapia]

What’s the difference between Fatima Whitbread’s fanny and a brick?

given enough time you could eat a brick

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My dwarf girlfriend dumped me by leaving a post-it stuck to the fridge... I'm sad that our relationship ended on a low-note!

 

[bluemoon32]

I've played darts blindfolded on many occasions. Give it a go, you don't know what you're missing.

 

[sir baconface]

 

[bluebaja]

Pete has booked himself his first skydive for Monday morning. Monday evening he strolls into the pub, and walks up to his mate Mike at the bar.
'Well' says Mike, 'how did the skydive go ?'
'Problem was, I got to the door of the plane and I just panicked. Just could't bring myself to do it, so I said to the instructor that I couldn't jump. So this instructor, size of a house, whipped this massive cock from his pants and said if I didn't get on with it he would stick it up my arse'
'So did you jump ?'
'Just a bit when it first went in...'

 

[Fred_Quimby]

Since you bought the waterbed, we have slowly drifted apart.

 

[MellowJoe]

I'm a workaholic.. for years now I've been hopelessly addicted to workahol.

I think I've said it before, but koalas, polars, grizzlies, pandas.. it bears repeating.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

My dads sister works in a Paris bakery and hates it.

She's a cross aunt

 

[Fred_Quimby]

 

[Chippy_boy]

I asked Google to tell me a joke yesterday and it came up with this one, which (unusually) made me laugh out loud:

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock joke?

He's been awarded the Nobel prize.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

 

[bluemoon32]

I got a good deal on a telly off eBay.
It’s in really condition except that the volume knob is stuck on high.
- well, I couldn’t turn that down

 

[Big Swifty]

I asked Google to tell me a joke yesterday and it came up with this one, which (unusually) made me laugh out loud:

Did you hear about the man who invented the knock knock joke?

He's been awarded the Nobel prize.

The man who invented predictive text has died.

May he rust in piss.

 

[Dicko69]

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Every morning this week, I've opened the curtains only to find a German Shepherd shitting on my lawn.

Dirty bastard brought his dog, today.