Joke thread

[balotellishaircut]

I’ve just been sacked from my job as a bingo caller

Apparently ‘ A meal for two with a hairy view ‘ is not the correct way to say the number 69.

 

[balotellishaircut]

“ Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please “

“ICU baby, shaking that ass”

 

[Norman Stanley Fletcher]

 

[aguero93:20]

View attachment 13331

No wonder you can't get the fucking things in Tesco over here since January. Do Scotch eggs come down that canal as well?

 

[yeseye]

Cross-Eyed circumciser gets the sack.

 

[KPXBLN]

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

Since you bought the waterbed, we have slowly drifted apart.

I plugged my waterbed into the toaster socket, lovely and warm but I keep popping out of bed.

 

[bluemoon32]

My mate just told me he could smell a paedophile a mile away. I said that's nonce-sense.

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

So excited. Just been signed by a reggae band to play the triangle.

I just stand at the back and ting.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week

 

[Uwe Already]

Apparently one out of every 10 Europeans were conceived on an Ikea bed.
Which is crazy when you consider how open and well lit those places are.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I've just been attacked by a little ginger boy doing martial arts... It turned out to be the carroty kid!

 

[DrBlueBob]

I've just been attacked by a little ginger boy doing martial arts... It turned out to be the carroty kid!

That's so bad it's good.

 

[Indaparkside]

What do you call a fat psychic

four chin teller

 

[balotellishaircut]

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

IM LIVID

 

[sir baconface]

 

[dobingsdobber]

My old grandad stipulated in his will that he wanted to be buried at sea.We wanted him cremated.In the end we compromised and had him poached.

 

[mat]

Ulrika Jonsson has been rushed to hospital after slipping & falling on her mobile phone, with it getting firmly wedged in her anus.

A hospital spokesman said: “Doctors are confident she’ll make a full recovery as it’s not the first time she’s had an Eriksson up her arse...”

 

[sir baconface]

Ulrika Jonsson has been rushed to hospital after slipping & falling on her mobile phone, with it getting firmly wedged in her anus.

A hospital spokesman said: “Doctors are confident she’ll make a full recovery as it’s not the first time she’s had an Eriksson up her arse...”

Did Sven Nokia up?

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week

I bought a chicken for my tea from Ikea, just about to cook it when the legs fell off.