Joke thread

[Big Swifty]

A lady arranged for her mother to be accommodated in a retirement home for the elderly. She saw her safely in and said "I'll be back tomorrow to see how things are."

The staff at the home soon noticed that the old lady seemed to be toppling over to one side on her chair, so they hurried over and sat her up straight. She then started to tilt over to the other side, so they went over and straightened her up.

Next day the daughter went along to see how her mother was doing. "It's OK", said the old lady, "but they won't let you fart."

 

[dronefromsector7G]

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"

The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.
Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right
cow to be inseminated?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s for you to hang your trousers on,” she replied

 

[jimharri]

Bloody well nearly lost my job as a roofer. On my first day, I was caught having a wank up on the roof. Luckily, my foreman said I could wipe the slate clean.

 

[Blue_eyes]

A man sits alone in the pub looking fed up when a stranger joins him, something wrong? asks the stranger. Well, says the man, I have had some bad luck recently which could have been avoided with a bit of foresight. Ok, says the stranger, I can help you there as I am an eminent clairvoyant, how will that help? asks the man. I can teach you foresight easily says the stranger, but how asks the man. A simple ceremony at my place will get you started says the stranger, have a few drinks to relax you and you will be fine. The man is a bit wary, but after a few more drinks agrees to give it a try. So they get back to the strangers flat and he tells the man that to learn foresight he must remove all his clothes and bend over and close his eyes, reluctantly the man does as he is told, then, within a few seconds the stranger has entered him, fuck!! exclaims the man, I knew that was going to happen. See, says the stranger, you are learning already.

 

[Jim Tolmie's Underpants]

 

[chris63]

I have a pal who is 6 ft11, and his wife is only 3 ft 6.



A decade married, and he's still nuts over her.

 

[Indaparkside]

A man gets home from work and says to his wife,get me a beer before it starts. So she brings him a beer and he drinks it,Get me another before it starts he shouts, so she brings him another beer and he downs that one as well.Get me another fucking beer before it starts he shouts at her again, listen hear you lazy fat bastard she shouts at him you walk in here sit down and start barking orders.,Fucking hell its started already

 

[chris63]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

 

[jimharri]

Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

... Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.


Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week and I cater for weddings, funerals, christenings, bar mitzvahs etc etc.

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..."
St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..."
"Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!"
Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it!"