Joke thread

Lancashire woman takes her little lad to the zoo. As they pass the monkey cage, the lad says " Sithee, ma, look at them monkeys fucking!"

She clouts him round the head and says "Language! How many times have I told you not to say 'sithee'! "
 
A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road, dressed in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the man.

However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunter, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,"

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got the bugger with the door!"
 
<Apple Store>
"Good morning sir. How may I help you?"
"I'm returning this phone; the Faecal recognition doesn't work."
"Excuse me, don't you mean 'Facial'?"
"Oh! Erm... have you got a cloth?"
 
Paddy hates his wifes cat so much he drives to the next town & dumps it when he gets home its there, next day he drives 50miles & dumps it when he gets home its there, “right he thinks i’ll fuckin show you”, next day he drives to the other end of the country & dumps it, 6hrs later he rings his wife “is the cat home”? Yes she replies, good says paddy put the **** on the phone im lost!!!
 
I went for a prostate examination recently.
The doctor told me to strip off, lie on my side and pull my knees up under my chin.
I heard the "snap" of a rubber glove getting put on and then felt the intrusion of his digit into my rear passage.
"Don't worry" he said, "It's normal to get an erection during a prostate examination."
"I haven't got an erection" I said.
"No, but I have" he said.
 
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