Joke thread

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...

 

[chris63]

 

[hammocity]

My oriental friend asks if there were any frying pans?

Cliff Richards at a concert in Tokyo, any requests”. “‘Tits and Fannies” “sorry” says Cliff “Tits and Fannies, how we don’t talk anymore”.

 

[hammocity]

Fella and his Mrs go to the docs for the results of her blood tests after she felt unwell

Doc: “well we have the results but they’ve been mixed up, what I can tell you is you either have heart disease or AIDS”

Husband: “what do we do?”

Doc: “send her on a 5 mile jog and if she comes back don’t fuck her”

 

[ColinBellsjockstrap]

A bloke with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large Engineering firm when he left the Army.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So he reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"

"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a Chemist shop, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

 

[jimharri]

Saw two blind lads fighting on the street the other night.
I just shouted “ my money’s on the one with the knife”.
You should have seen how fast both of them ran.

 

[Turks Head Again]

Bloke driving down the road with a van full of monkeys on a delivery to the zoo.
Van breaks down.
Luckily Paddy is behind him in an empty van.
Bloke flags Paddy down.
"Paddy I'll give you 50 quid if you take these monkeys to the zoo".
"Ok no problem ".
4 hours later the bloke is still waiting for the AA to arrive and he sees Paddy coming back along the road with the van full of monkeys.
He jumps across the road and flags Paddy down.
"Fucks sake Paddy , I gave you 50 quid to take the monkeys to the zoo".
Paddy - "I did but I've got some money left over so now were off to the cinema ".

 

[Blue Mist]

Bloke driving down the road with a van full of monkeys on a delivery to the zoo.
Van breaks down.
Luckily Paddy is behind him in an empty van.
Bloke flags Paddy down.
"Paddy I'll give you 50 quid if you take these monkeys to the zoo".
"Ok no problem ".
4 hours later the bloke is still waiting for the AA to arrive and he sees Paddy coming back along the road with the van full of monkeys.
He jumps across the road and flags Paddy down.
"Fucks sake Paddy , I gave you 50 quid to take the monkeys to the zoo".
Paddy - "I did but I've got some money left over so now were off to the cinema ".

I take it you haven't bothered reading the last few pages !!

 

[Turks Head Again]

I take it you haven't bothered reading the last few pages !!

Too drunk.
At the game.
Working.
Or fishing.