Joke thread

" With a second lockdown looming, I see people are starting to pile their shopping trolleys up again, I've just got back from Asda and saw a bloke buying 4 crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 3 sombreros.
I thought to myself, hang on a minute...
Hispanic buying!
 
Little Johnny is back, may have been here before with this one, but not going through 4k posts.
Teacher asked the class to use the word "Fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put her hand up and said "M family went to my grandads farm and we all saw his farm animals, it was fascinating" Teacher said,"that was good but I wanted you to use the word fascinate not fascinating" Sally raised her hand and said "my family went to a music concert and I was fascinated". Teacher said that was good \sally but I wanted you to use the word fascinate not fascinated" The only other child to raise their hand was little Johnny, she tried to ignore him hoping another pupil would put their hand up, but Johnny was persistant shouting "me Miss Miss". She couldn't ignore him any longer and considered he could not ruin this word exercise so said "yes Johnny you go" Johnny said " my aunty Caroline has a cardigan with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.
 
Peter showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Peter, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"
Peter said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat.
I know that O'Brien had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal his hat."
The priest said, "Well, Peter, I notice that you didn't steal O'Brien's hat. What changed your mind?"
Peter replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal O'Brien's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Peter a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Peter slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' --
I remembered where I left me hat!
 
Received a Christmas card this morning and when I opened it a Yorkshire Pudding fell out, it was from Aunt Bessie.
 
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