Joke thread

[Deleted member 77198]

He'd just been nominated a bit earlier in the worst big name actor thread.

That’s what finished him off

 

[Blue Mist]

He'd just been nominated a bit earlier in the worst big name actor thread.

Well he is now !

 

[ray21]

Knock knock

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Knock knock

Consider my cap, doffed, Sir

 

[Deleted member 77198]

Knock knock

Excellent

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Sean Connery takes a phone call from his agent

"Sean. I've got you a part in a Hollywood blockbuster, but you've still got to do a screen test. They want you at Pinewood, tomorrow, around tenish"

"Tennish?? But I don't even have a racquet"

 

[jimharri]

Apparently, Luke Shaw fell down the stairs at Carrington recently. Everybody rushed into the TV lounge, thinking Eastenders was starting.

 

[Bill Walker]

A guy has just offered to sell me a Rolex watch for £10
I'm sure its a wind up

 

[Wretched Vengeance]

From another site:

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra, lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks, they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem, Hun."
Cilla complies with the routine. The results this time are absolutely mind-blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks:
"Sean, tell me. Dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all, Shilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the woman stole ma wallet."

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

This virus must have hit India hard. I've not had a single phone call in over a month about a car accident I was not involved in