Joke thread

My daughter asked me, "Daddy, where is mummy?"

"She's with the angels now.

"You mean she's dead?

""No, she ran off with a biker!"<br /><br />-- Thu Aug 16, 2012 5:34 pm --<br /><br />My son's English teacher phoned today and told me he had put an apostrophe somewhere he shouldn't have.

"We all make silly mistakes," I said. "He's still only learning."

"I know he is," she replied.

"The problem is, this was a plastic one, and he had it up his arse."
 
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

(I'll get my coat)!
 
Brisblu said:
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

(I'll get my coat)!
Click to expand...


i call you a cab,...........
 
blue wang said:
Brisblu said:
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

(I'll get my coat)!
Click to expand...


i call you a cab,...........
Click to expand...

First letters right ;-)
 
i was walking by the local mental hospital today and i could hear them all shouting 12 , 12 , 12 , 12 , 12 , from the grounds .

i was curious as to what was going on but i couldnt see over the fence until i discovered a little hole in the fence .

i put my eye to the hole and immeadiately one of the bastards stuck a pencil in my eye .

then i heard them all shouting .13 , 13 , 13 ,13 , 13 .
 
I'm a surgeon and today i performed life saving surgery on a child... When the child awoke, the mother burst into tears and cried "thank god your okay".

Another case of credit where it's not due
 
3 dogs at the vet, 1 st dog says to the 2nd dog " why you here?" I pissed on the curtain , they gonna chop off my balls man,,, 1st dog replies "sheet! hard luck man
2nd dog asks the first dog why he is there? 1st dog replies " bit the postman, "they gonna chop of your balls .'the 2nd dog syas to the 1st. 2nd dog looks down defeated ."yeah the gonna chop off my balls"...

1st dog and the second dog look at the third dog and ask him why he is here? He starts telling them what he did ." i saw the missus was bending over getting the goods from the bottom shelf of the fridge so i jumped on that ass and starting pumping away! fucken humping and humping, ripping that pussy to pieces, doggy style , upside down ,all the styles and then eventually i bust a nut in her face.

1st and 2nd dog look at him in awe . Then eventaully they both ask ."suppose you getting your balls chopped off?" The third dog smiles and replies " No just getting my nails clipped!"
 
warpig said:
A recent survey asked if there were too many immigrants in this country.

18% answered: yes
72% answered: عفان ويؤمن نيته سريري تأسست سنين نحن
Click to expand...

What did the other 10% say?
 
I sent my girlfriend a text.

"When I get home from work I want you to give me a gobble".

"Could you be a little more romantic x?" came the reply.

"When I get home from work I want you to give me a gobble next to a candle".
 
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