tueartsboots
Well-Known Member
I joined Tescos dating agency, ended up with a bag for life.
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Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
- Start date
Big Tackle
Well-Known Member
Chelsea want Moses, Arsenal want Jesus and utd have got Judas.
spam1967 said:having a pint with my pal the other day who's a binman. he was telling me when he went to the local chinese chippy for the bins. this is how it went when the binman knocked on the door when there was no bins outside.
binman: "where's ya bin?"
chinaman:" i bin hong kong."
binman(really frustrated): "no,no, no , ya bin, where's ya bin?"
chinaman: "i bin hong kong."
binman(really frustrated,now mimicing the shape of a wheelie bin): "ya bin. you know YA WHEELIE BIN! WHERE'S YA WHEELIE BIN?"
chinaman: "i wheelie bin hong kong."
Oh dear.........
spam1967 said:having a pint with my pal the other day who's a binman. he was telling me when he went to the local chinese chippy for the bins. this is how it went when the binman knocked on the door when there was no bins outside.
binman: "where's ya bin?"
chinaman:" i bin hong kong."
binman(really frustrated): "no,no, no , ya bin, where's ya bin?"
chinaman: "i bin hong kong."
binman(really frustrated,now mimicing the shape of a wheelie bin): "ya bin. you know YA WHEELIE BIN! WHERE'S YA WHEELIE BIN?"
chinaman: "i wheelie bin hong kong."
Who says racist stereotyping is dead...
talkativesprout
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 30 Mar 2009
- Messages
- 10,291
I ejaculated over four meters this morning.
One day a customer will catch me and I'll probably lose my job
at British Gas.
One day a customer will catch me and I'll probably lose my job
at British Gas.
BackofJeanette
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- 20 Apr 2011
- Messages
- 1,582
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY I DONT BELIEVE IT", "ITS A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face i swore i would never visit another Thai Brothel.
--------------------------
Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co-worker standing at the coffee machine, inhales deeply and tells her "Your hair smells nice." After a week of this she went to see personnel & put a sexual harassment complaint in against him. The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?"
She said, "Its Keith, the fucking dwarf!"
---------------------------
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ......
But try masturbating in Asda car park just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get.
Can someone pick me up from the police station ?
And with tears streaming down my face i swore i would never visit another Thai Brothel.
--------------------------
Everyday a man walks up very close to a lady co-worker standing at the coffee machine, inhales deeply and tells her "Your hair smells nice." After a week of this she went to see personnel & put a sexual harassment complaint in against him. The personnel manager said "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?"
She said, "Its Keith, the fucking dwarf!"
---------------------------
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ......
But try masturbating in Asda car park just one fucking time & see how much fucking attention you get.
Can someone pick me up from the police station ?
Brisblu
Well-Known Member
Prime Minister David Cameron walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Cameron: "Truthfully, I did not ring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain !!!"
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."
Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Cameron: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Justin Rose came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Justin Rose he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Justin Rose and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Britain?"
Cameron stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind." " I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Cameron: "Truthfully, I did not ring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am David Cameron, the Prime Minister of Great Britain !!!"
Cashier: "Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID."
Cameron: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Cameron: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Prime Minister this is what we can do: One day Justin Rose came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Justin Rose he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Justin Rose and cashed his cheque.
Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So, Prime Minister, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Prime Minister of Britain?"
Cameron stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind." " I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Prime Minister?"
u2fme2
Well-Known Member
101 worlds best one liners
. 99 percent of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer a anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give ambiguity or give something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
19. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind, sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day: April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
. 99 percent of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist--they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer a anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give ambiguity or give something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
19. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. Save a tree. Eat a beaver.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
33. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association
36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.
37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
39. D.A.R.E. to keep cops off donuts.
40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
41. On the other hand you have different fingers.
42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!
43. God made mankind, sin made him evil.
44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
48. National Atheist's Day: April 1st.
49. All generalizations are false.
50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
warpig
Well-Known Member
BackofJeanette said:Dwarf couple who work in a circus are having a baby. They go to the doctors for a check up. Doctor says "Everything's fine, tell me, what do you want, a boy or a girl?"
Guy says "We don't really give a fuck to be honest as long as it fits in a cannon
-- Wed Aug 22, 2012 2:13 pm --
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40