Joke thread

[Gabriel]

Don't understand all the fuss over the Liverpool Cab bombing.
More innocent people died on the Alex Baldwin film set.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of the 4 wanted terrorists. Bin Dealin', Bin Snortin' and Bin Robbin'. A spokesman said there's still no sign of Bin Workin'.

Apparently that cabby involved at the Liverpool women’s hospital was working on the side and claiming benefits......
..……till some fucker blew him up.

 

[Blue Mist]

Apparently that cabby involved at the Liverpool women’s hospital was working on the side and claiming benefits......
..……till some fucker blew him up.

Blew him out would have worked better.

Just sayin'

 

[maccieblue]

Police in Liverpool have arrested 3 of the 4 wanted terrorists. Bin Dealin', Bin Snortin' and Bin Robbin'. A spokesman said there's still no sign of Bin Workin'.

What about Bin Dipper?

 

[maccieblue]

I knew a bloke who got addicted to drinking brake fluid although he told me he had no problem stopping.

His mate got arrested for drinking stolen battery acid, he's being charged in the morning

 

[Bill Walker]

I have good news for insomniacs.

Only 4 sleeps till Christmas

 

[Alan Harper's Tash]

 

[AlexWilliamsGloves]

....love it

 

[goalmole]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish.. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff......a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.' Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant.. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug..

 

[Bill Walker]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?”, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no” the man replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Ah..what should I tell him?” the bartender manages to squeak.
“Tell him,” she whispers, “there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”