Joke thread

dobingsdobber said:
Watson doing crossword; Holmes, what's a Mediterranean citrus-bearing tree?
Holmes; A lemon tree my dear Watson
Click to expand...

Holmes and Watson are camping and in the middle of the night Holmes says "Watson when you look up what can you deduce?"
Watson responds "Well I can see thousands of stars, each of those stars will probably have planets and some of those planets might be similar to Earth, so I deduce that life may well exist elsewhere in the universe. Is that what you were thinking Holmes?"
"No", Holmes replies "I was thinking that some fuckers nicked our tent!!"
 
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A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your mum or dad home?" said the farmer.

"No, they've gone into to town."

"How about your brother Ric, then; Is he here?"

"No, he's gone with with mum and dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself and getting increasingly agitated.

"I know where all the tools are", said the young lad, "if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Ric getting my daughter Ethel pregnant."

The boy thought for a moment, then said... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges £500 for the bull and £50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Ric."



Don't clap, just throw money!
 
Female weightlifter goes to the doctors "Doctor I have been taking a lot of steroids and now I have grown a cock" Doctor asks "anabolic?" Weightlifter replies "No, just a cock".
 
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Pub door worker in Benidorm says to Manc lads on stag do:

"Come in and see Sticky Vicky"

Manc lad "what does she do"

Doorman “she does tricks with her ****"

Manc lad "what, like Debbie McGee?"
 
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Two buckets of puke on a pavement, one says to the other “where’s the Red Lion?” The other replies “down this road, turn right then it’ll be in front of you”

“Great,” says the first “but how do you know that?” The second responds “Oh I was brought up around there...”
 
Boy says to his Dad
" What's the difference between a Pussy and a c.unt?"
Dad lifts up the sheet to expose his Wife's naked body and says " that's a Pussy son!".
"Oh! says the lad, that's marvellous, can I touch it?
" No don't do that Son, you'll wake the cu.nt up!".
 
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