Joke thread

[Skip Donoghue]

I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
Fuck knows where I came

 

[Skip Donoghue]

A bloke walks in a cafe on the menu it says cheese roll £1
Ham roll £1.20
A wank £10
He then sees a woman with big tits and fit body
He says “Do you give the wanks?”
She replies “yes I do”
He says “ well wash your hands, and do us 2 ham rolls”

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I met a girl in the park the other day and there was a real spark between us, she immediately dropped to the floor and laid on the grass at my feet. As we lay making love i thought these Taser guns are well worth the money.

 

[sir baconface]

A bloke walks in a cafe on the menu it says cheese roll £1
Ham roll £1.20
A wank £10
He then sees a woman with big tits and fit body
He says “Do you give the wanks?”
She replies “yes I do”
He says “ well wash your hands, and do us 2 ham rolls”

Notwithstanding the punchline, I have to say that’s a reasonable tariff. Where did you say this establishment is?

 

[Fred_Quimby]

The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape. I mean, obviously, they don’t know that yet.

 

[manchester blue]

I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition
Fuck knows where I came

I went into a sperm bank and the receptionist took me into a private room and said, "Would you like to masturbate in the cup?" I said "I'm good but not ready for competition yet".

 

[dickie davies]

I went into a sperm bank and the receptionist took me into a private room and said, "Would you like to masturbate in the cup?" I said "I'm good but not ready for competition yet".

Pages 85 and 114 would like their joke back

 

[East Level 2]

I went into a sperm bank and the receptionist took me into a private room and said, "Would you like to masturbate in the cup?" I said "I'm good but not ready for competition yet".

I've started donating sperm by post. It's so quick - I come in a jiffy.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

Pages 85 and 114 would like their joke back

Come again?

 

[aguero93:20]

Pages 85 and 114 would like their joke back

They can piss off, they nicked it from a previous thread.

 

[west didsblue]

Notwithstanding the punchline, I have to say that’s a reasonable tariff. Where did you say this establishment is?

Yep. Great price for a sandwich.

 

[aguerrrroooooooooooo]

Why is the iPhone X perfect for an orphan?
Because it has no home button

 

[PR7]

Scotsman, Englishman n a Irishman go see the Virgin Mary after birth of her son

Scotsman brings Gold and cradles the baby
Englishman brings frankincense and cradles the baby
The Irishman brings mir, but trips up ‘ oh Jesus Christ’ he shouts......

Mary hears ‘that’s a good name I was going to name him Fred’

 

[Daz_Blue]

A Jehovah's Witness came to my house last night I sat him down made him a cup of coffee and asked him okay what would you like to talk about, he said I haven't the faintest idea I have never got this far before

 

[PR7]

What do u call a jambo/ mutd fan with no ears?
Anything you want because the daft bast.... can’t hear you

 

[mat]

Fucking Amazon.

I order 4 Kindles and they send me a Two Ronnie's DVD.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

The wife and I were having sex when my wife said, "You're taking a very long time tonight. Do you think your alzheimers is starting to affect you?" "Yes", I replied. "I can't remember what your sister looks like!"

 

[happychappy]

An Asian gentleman has moved in next door
He has travelled the world
He has swam with sharks
Wrestled bears
Climbed the highest mountain
It came as no surprise to learn his name is
Bindair Dundat

 

[DrBlueBob]

Scots fella getting a blowie off a wifey. She stops and says, "Your cock tastes of coconut"
Aye he says, it's bountae.

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

I bumped into an old mate of mine today.

I said, "What are you doing these days?"

He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss heads and down and outs."

I said, "Oh, are you working for theSalvation Army?"

He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"