Joke thread

[dronefromsector7G]

My 4 year old was struggling to open a yoghurt lid today when he suddenly mumbled, "Fucking shitty lid!" My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he got that from?" I replied, "The fucking fridge, you silly ****!"

 

[Paulpowersleftfoot]

Theresa May is touring Perthshire in the Prime Minister's chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Theresa in her usual raspy manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Theresa firmly, I can't afford to be blamed for anything.

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Theresa. The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Theresa.


"Well, I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Theresa May's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.""

 

[noblelord]

Hmm ... thought that was Nicola Sturgeon

 

[Dreadzone]

Sorry if already told:
A drunk Chinese guy wearing a ‘shited’ top stood next to me at a bar and starts drinking.
I asked him “Do you know any martial arts like Kun-fu, jujitsu or karate?”
He says “Why da fuk you ask me dat. Is it cuz I is Chinese!?”
“No” I said “It’s cus you’re drinking my fucking beer!”

 

[mat]

ole gunnar solskjaer announced as rags manager.

 

[Blue Mist]

ole gunnar solskjaer announced as rags manager.

Close this thread now, that joke will never be beaten.




Unlike the paper boy.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O’Shea

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it!

 

[Vic]

I went into this shop in Egypt and asked if I could buy a gliff. No, he says, you can only hire a gliff.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

I asked a homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard.

 

[Dave Ewing's Back 'eader]

Why do Dippers whistle when they're twisting one out? So they can remember which end to wipe!

 

[Fred_Quimby]

Laughter is the best medicine...

Unless, of course, you are impotent.

 

[Fred_Quimby]

Jokes don’t travel well. I can tell a joke in Manchester which can’t be understood in London. That because they can’t hear me.

 

[citizenyank76]

R.L. Burnside, the bluesman said, about killing a man. "I didn't mean to shoot anybody, I just meant to shoot the sonofabitch in the head. Him dying was between him and the Lord."

Hey, I think it's a good joke.

 

[aguero93:20]

R.L. Burnside, the bluesman said, about killing a man. "I didn't mean to shoot anybody, I just meant to shoot the sonofabitch in the head. Him dying was between him and the Lord."

Hey, I think it's a good joke.

Wasn't it "I didn't mean to kill anybody?"

 

[citizenyank76]

Wasn't it "I didn't mean to kill anybody?"

Well, he wasn't exactly a direct person. The county DA asked him "If he shot him in defense."

Burnside replied, "No I shot him in the ass. He jumped over the fence."

But apparently the jury must have sympathized with him. He old got six months in prison.

 

[aguerrrroooooooooooo]

Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here's the joke I told:

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in."

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

 

[dronefromsector7G]

2 female police officer dog handlers on the beat. One says, "I left my knickers at the station". The other says, "Let the dog have a sniff of your fanny & he'll fetch them". The dog returned 20 mins later with her knickers, 2 truncheons and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.

 

[RPDB]

There's a guy outside our office window dipping his testicles in glitter!

Clearly pretty nuts!

 

[aguerrrroooooooooooo]

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle her to death'.