Joke thread

The two main news stories this week have been the problems the Prime Minister has faced, and the Duke of Edinburgh being involved in a car crash.

In one of them, people have been saying for ages that the activity is clearly not a good idea, that it could put people at risk, but advice was ignored, stubborn pride was a factor, and so they pressed on, but couldn't clearly see where they were going, and ended up in a ditch whilst causing harm to other people.

In the other one, the Queen's husband had a traffic accident.
 
1.618034 said:
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they
could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good
value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.
Click to expand...

Detailed directions? This sounds like a decent place!
 
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger dicks than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
 
Paddy is on his final question with Chris Tarrant for a million pounds,
He only has one life line left, phone a friend...,
‘ hi mate,
Which bird does not make a nest?, a sparrow?, a swallow?, a blackbird? or a cuckoo?
Friend answers ‘cuckoo 100%’
Paddy wins the money,
A week later Paddy phones his mate, ‘how the F did you know that?
Friend replies ‘Paddy are you fn that thick, everyone know it lives in a clock’
:-)
 
Last edited:
PR7 said:
Paddy is on his final question with Chris Tarrant for a million pounds,
He only has one life line left, phone a friend...,
‘ hi mate,
Which bird does not make a nest?, a sparrow?, a swallow?, a blackbird? or a cu
Click to expand...
Unfortunately halfway through telling this joke PR7 suffered a fatal heart attack.
 
My wife was hit by a golf ball while were playing a round, I rushed her to the hospital where the doctor asked me "where did it strike her?"
"Between the first and second holes"
"crikey" he said "that doesn't leave much room to operate!"
 
an old man told me to rub potato on my windscreen and it prevents ice forming.so last night I tried it but must have rubbed too hard as theres a chip on the windscreen
 
What’s the difference between a hearts fan and a trampoline?..

You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline
 
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