Joke thread

joke thread....


pfazz said:
Sad news from the Nestlé factory today. A night shift worker was crushed beneath a case of chocolate that fell 20 feet off the storage racking. He called for help repeatedly but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me" his colleagues just cheered.
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Blue Mist said:
Now that IS funny.
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TheRemainsOfTheDave said:
Always has been. ;)
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Yup. Only been posted at least three times previously
See that link at the top of this post
 
My best rugby moment:

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. ..
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match.
The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.
My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'

'I certainly have,' I answered,

'I missed the kick.'
 
I gave my missus a good rodgering with a huge cucumber last night.this morning I woke to hear her moaning in ectasy,whats up with you I asked she replied the cucumbers repeating on me
 
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.
 
jimharri said:
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn"t want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by and saw her grandaughter. Grandma asked, "why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that"s awfully nice of them. I think I"ll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" "I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry..." The policeman fainted.
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Wazza likes this.
 
I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my penis was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia that areshaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said; “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it. Having said that, I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her vagina was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said; “Ah; that’ll be our Monica”
 
jimharri said:
I had to go to the Doctors yesterday and having stripped off he immediately mentioned the fact that my penis was perfectly shaped like a saxophone. I explained that it was a family trait and that we all had genitalia that areshaped like musical instruments.
He was amazed and said; “Well, in 27 years as a GP I’ve never seen anything like it. Having said that, I do remember a woman coming in a few years ago and her vagina was shaped like a Mouth Organ”.
I said; “Ah; that’ll be our Monica”
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A man goes to see his doctor, whats the problem asks the doctor, er well my dick is shaped like a rocket and I am very conscious of it, am embarrassed to change at the baths etc or wear speedos at the beach. Are you married asks the doctor, yes replies the man. and what does your wife think of it, oh shes over the moon.
 
A horse is having a quiet drink in a seaside pub when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.
After they’ve introduced themselves, the donkey asks “What do you do for a living?”

The horse says “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter. What about you?”
And the donkey says “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then ask the horse “Have you ever won anything?”

The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger and the Derby. And over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”

“Wow!” thinks the donkey.

They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he done everything.”
So he goes out and buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says “Lovely place you have here and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”

The donkey replies “Oh that? That’s me when I played for Juventus.”


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