Joke thread

A Welsh sheep farmer is having trouble with his flock of sheep not getting pregnant from his Ram so he goes to see the local vet for advice.
The vet tells him that Artificial Insemination would be a good idea. The farmer then asks how will he know when the sheep are expecting and the vet replies that they will be laid down in the field and looking after themselves. The farmer then leaves the surgery. The only trouble is that he hasn't got a clue what Artificial Insemination is and did not want to ask the vet what it entailed as he did not want to appear ignorant to the vet.
So he decides that he will do the job himself so the next morning he loads them up in his Land Rover and takes them to a clearing in the woods and proceeds to shag them.
The next day he gets up and looks out of his window and finds that the sheep are all stood up.
He decides that he will shag each sheep twice to make sure that the job is done properly so off they all go in the Land Rover to the woods again where the farmer shags each one twice.
The next morning he can barely get out of bed as he is so tired from his previous exertions and asks his wife to look out the window to see if the sheep are laid down.
She responds by telling him "No, but they are all in your Land Rover and one of them keeps sounding the car horn".
 
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Two deaf men were "talking" (conversing?) on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned off the light."
 
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside

GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED, GET BACK $100.

A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese Doctor: "Congratulations, your sense of taste is restored. That'll be $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese Doctor: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese Doctor: "Congratulations. You've got your memory back. $20, please."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese Doctor: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer staring at the note says: "But this is $20, not $100."

Chinese Doctor: Congratulations, your eyesight is restored. That'll be $20."
 
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An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.

Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind legs; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 
jimharri said:
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule.

He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.

Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind legs; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.

When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Click to expand...

We should change the name from the joke thread to the jimharri thread.:)
 
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