Joke thread

nimrod said:
Been dating a homeless woman, but think she's getting serious now she's just asked me to move out with her.
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I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
 
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the Highlands.

As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad, and apologised to the men for being late. I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
 
Vicious111 said:
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a paupers cemetery in the Highlands.

As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad, and apologised to the men for being late. I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
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chuckled
 
laserblue said:
A bloke arrives home with a box and hands it to his wife. She says excitedly "Is this for me?" He replies that it is.

She opens the box and pulls out the contents. "What is it?" she asks. "It's an artificial vagina" he replies. "What am I supposed to do with his?" she asks.

"Teach it cook and fuck off."
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91205-004-6CB80695.jpg


and I thought the Titanic was old
 
laserblue said:
A bloke arrives home with a box and hands it to his wife. She says excitedly "Is this for me?" He replies that it is.

She opens the box and pulls out the contents. "What is it?" she asks. "It's an artificial vagina" he replies. "What am I supposed to do with his?" she asks.

"Teach it cook and fuck off."
Click to expand...
Whilst admittedly possessing limited knowledge of artificial vaginas, I have doubts about their potential to produce satisfactory culinary results.

I’m pretty sure it was a monkey versed in the art of blow jobs last time I heard this joke.
 
I told my Jamaican mate Clive that he'd put a lot of weight on during lockdown,
he was very indignant and said, 'Have I fuck!'
So we got the scales out, and it's true.
Black Clive's fatter.
 
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