Joke thread

[jimharri]

Bloody autocorrect.

 

[AliBobbyJ]

You know the trouble with all the sex on tv?
You keep falling off.

 

[dronefromsector7G]

 

[Bill Walker]

Not if he got it from Woolworths.

Still hundreds of them in Oz !

 

[Bill Walker]

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

 

[Bill Walker]

Nimmers, March 2020, 2 days after lock down started wants its joke back. If you still have the receipt you can get a full refund.

 

[DrBlueBob]

Still hundreds of them in Oz !

Same original Woolys? You learn something every day.

 

[Bill Walker]

Same original Woolys? You learn something every day.

Different, they're like Tescos here.

 

[DrBlueBob]

Different, they're like Tescos here.

Ah ok. I've still learned something.

 

[PannickAtTheDisco]

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs.

why did the flying carpet land in Liverpool?

Mo Salah dived on it.

 

[Bill Walker]

Ah ok. I've still learned something.

Over a thousand stores

 

[SWPISHOME]

 

[Bill Walker]

I have good news for insomniacs.

Only 4 sleeps till Christmas

 

[stanblue]

A kid goes to the pet shop and bought an hamster he takes it home feeds it and goes to bed. He wakes up in the morning and it’s dead,he’s mum said ahhh never mind I’ve read somewhere you can turn it in to jam. So they make jam but it tastes horrible so they dump it in the garden. The next day a beautiful rose bush is growing where the jam was and his mum said that’s strange it’s usually tulips you get from hamster jam.

 

[Bill Walker]

Had a dream last night that I nearly drowned....

I was swimming in a bowl of muesli and got dragged under by a strong currant

 

[dronefromsector7G]

BREAKING: An armed man has just run into an estate agents, and shouted, "Nobody move!"

 

[DrBlueBob]

Had a dream last night that I nearly drowned....

I was swimming in a bowl of muesli and got dragged under by a strong currant

Cereal killer?

 

[Cityfan]

Cereal killer?

Milking the puns?

 

[BimboBob]

This was an actual photo taken about 10 years ago at the scene of a fire which was posted online and went viral, it became known as disaster girl.

Except the fire is a training aid for the local firefighters. Not a real house fire.

 

[Fiftyyearsandcounting]

A customer visits a book shop to purchase a bible. He hands it over the counter and asks the assistant to wrap it. "Certainly says the assistant", He clears his throats and...#Da-Da-Da, In the Beginning Da-Da-Da, God Created, Doh-Doh-Doh, The Heaven & The earth Da-Da-Da.