Joke thread

Chippy_boy said:
Ah, Humphrey Littleton what a genius. Some of my faves...

Samantha tells me she has to nip off now, as her trusted aged gardener is coming round to identify the mysterious trailing plant that's growing in her privet. Obviously she's keen not to miss him if there's a chance she might have an Old Man's Beard in her bush...


Samantha has to rush off to meet her new footballer friend. He's very busy playing in the first and second rounds of an international, but she says there should be just time to give him a quick kiss between the legs...

...Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow, who's brought over a variety of caviars and a rare vodka-based apperitif. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in her hotel room, and then liqour out on the balcony...

...Samantha tells me she has to nip out now as she's meeting her new gentleman friend at the local hospital where he's an anaesthetist. He's promised to introduce her to some of his patients, and later on Samantha is hoping he'll let her help him knock one out...

...Samantha needs to nip out now as she has to buy a present for her new gentleman friend, who likes to play with his model boats at bathtime. Samantha says she's thought about him long and hard, and decided to give him a little tug for his birthday...

And my favourite:

...Samantha has to nip out now, as she's off to meet a gentleman friend who's helping her restore some old furniture. She's just purchased an antique chest of drawers which her friend says has suffered from having candles placed on it. Samantha says she's looking forward to stripping her new tall boy while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her...
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LOL!
I remember Humphrey being on the radio when I used to drive home from work, was it radio 4? Absolutely hilarious bloke, who was a great jazz trumpeter, I think, the panel he had with him were also very funny.
That poor radio assistant Samantha was always the butt of it all, these days
he'd be a misogynist, sexist brute that needs to be sacked forthwith.
 
After I caught my two young nephews smoking cigarettes in our garden shed I decided to teach them both a lesson.
I got the biggest cigar I had, lit it up and made the two of them take it in turns to suck my cock.
 
BackofJeanette said:
After I caught my two young nephews smoking cigarettes in our garden shed I decided to teach them both a lesson.
I got the biggest cigar I had, lit it up and made the two of them take it in turns to suck my cock.
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Now then, now then
 
Ancient Citizen said:
LOL!
I remember Humphrey being on the radio when I used to drive home from work, was it radio 4? Absolutely hilarious bloke, who was a great jazz trumpeter, I think, the panel he had with him were also very funny.
That poor radio assistant Samantha was always the butt of it all, these days
he'd be a misogynist, sexist brute that needs to be sacked forthwith.
Click to expand...
Some of his jokes were pretty risque for 6:30pm on the BBC!

Samantha is off on a dinner date with a gentleman friend from Moscow who's brought over a variety of caviars and an array of vodka-based apperitifs. She says he's going to offer her delicious food in his hotel room and then liqour out on the balcony.
 
BlueMoonRisin' said:
An Irishman rang 999 and said - " Hello, Oi tink live just found a sandwich dat looks loike a loive bomb"..... The policeman replied - "Try not to panic sir, is it ticking"?...

"No officer, oi tink it's turkey".
.
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Did this Irish man grow up in Yorkshire?
 
Paddy had been on Guinness all day and was a little worse for wear, so he decided it was time for home. He stood up to leave and immediately fell flat on his face. Twice more he tried to stand and twice more he fell.

He figured if he could just get outside, the fresh air might sober him up a bit. So he began to crawl to the door. Once outside he again tried to stand, once more he fell.

Deciding enough was enough, he crawled the half mile to his house, opened the door and with a superhuman effort dragged himself upstairs to bed.

He awake to find his wife standing over him frowning, “So you’ve been drinking again “ she shouted

“What makes you say that my sweet”

“Mick just called, you left your fucking wheelchair in the pub”
 
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