Joke thread

[dronefromsector7G]

 

[bluemanchester]

...And Jesus rescued the woman of the night from the crowd armed with stones and spake unto them "Let he who h'ath no sin cast the first stone" just then, this huge boulder come flying over and squashed the prostitute into the ground...Jesus fell to his knees arms stretched to the sky and screamed..."You know what Dad, you really get on my fucking tits"

Keeping this theme.........God the father, God the holy ghost and Jesus were playing golf. All were even going into the 18th hole, Jesus went first and holed in 4, God the Holy Ghost then went next but only managed a 5. God the father went next and on his third shot he pulled the ball high and heading for the rough, just then an eagle appeared caught the ball and started flying off. Then out of a clear blue sky a bolt of lightning hit the eagle who dropped the ball into a large oak tree. The ball bounced and rolled along branches then dropped onto the green bounced twice and dropped into the hole, God the father had won. His son turned to him and said, fucking hell Dad its only a game.

 

[Tommy_Catons_Perm]

In the school playground one morning little Peter noticed that his best friend little Paul was wearing a shiny brand new watch. He was rather envious. "Hey Paul, why have you got a new watch? I didn't know it was your Birthday?. I wish I had a watch. Where did you get it from?". "Well", said Paul, "I shouldn't really tell you this, but I got home early from school yesterday and as soon as I got in the front door I hear a loud banging noise coming from my mum and dad's bedroom and there was a grunting and gasping noise and my mum was shouting YES YES YES !. So I went up to see what was happening and my uncle Bill was in bed with my mum ! Uncle Bill said if I don't tell anybody, he would buy me a new watch." "Wow, that's amazing" said Peter.

Later that night, Peter was asleep in bed when he was suddenly woken up by a banging noise coming from his mum and dad's bedroom, accompanied with grunting and gasping. Peter jumped up and rushed into his parents bedroom. His dad looked up and said "What do you want Peter?". Peter shouted "I WANNA WATCH !!". So his dad said "OK, you can sit at the end of the bed, but keep quiet."

 

[Bill Walker]

As my girlfriend and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers,

I muttered under my breath, "Fat cows."

"What was that?" snapped my girlfriend.

"You herd."

 

[slick]

You're gonna have to explain that one mate.

I think he means Jesus saves but Jesus misses the rebound.

 

[Hayley Croppers chopper]

I think he means Jesus saves but Jesus misses the rebound.

Maybe you can explain that one too.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

My wife was looking at an evening dress in an expensive shop, "It's beautiful, isn't it?" she said.
"Yes, " I replied, "I wonder if they have it in your shape”

True story.. I was looking in a jewelers shop window in Key West with an ex girlfriend back in 2000. A woman next to us called her husband over and asked what he thought about a certain ring...
"It's rather nice" he replied..."but I think it will make you look fat."
We nodded at each other with approval.

 

[balotellishaircut]

Priti Patel is touring the countryside in a chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Priti in her usual bullying manner says “ You get out and check - you were driving “ The chauffeur gets out checks and reports that the animal is dead. You were driving go tell the farmer says Priti. Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, with a big grin on his face. My goodness what happened to you ? asks Priti. The chauffeur replies ‘When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whiskey, his wife gave me a slap up meal, and the daughter made love to me’ what on earth did you say ? asks Priti.
I knocked on the door and when it was answered I said to them “ I’m Priti Patels chauffeur and iv just killed the cow.

 

[BackofJeanette]

I was walking in the park, it was a beautiful day, the sun was out, the birds were singing and I felt so good with life.
I then saw this gorgeous little girl walking with her ever so cute little dog, I couldn't help myself...
Hello little girl, what is your name I asked
In the most angelic voice she replied 'My name is Petal'
'Well' I said 'that is the most wonderful, beautiful name I have ever heard, and why are you called petal ?
The little girl replied, ''When I was just two days old my mummy put me in my cot by the bedroom window and when the summer breeze blew in a lovely red petal and it landed on my forehead and my mummy's eyes filled with tears of joy and she said that is so beautiful you shall be called Petal'
Oh how wonderful, what a delightful name you have, and your gorgeous doggy, what is his name ? I said
The little girl replied in her seet angelic voice 'He's called Porky'
Oh that is an unusual name, why is he called Porky ?
and the little girl replied 'Cos he fucks pigs'

I think this is my favourite all time joke.

 

[crazyg]

I think he means Jesus saves but Jesus misses the rebound.

In our office, we used to say: Jesus saves, but not on our bloody salary he doesn't.