Joke thread

When my dad roasts a pig, he likes to put his hand up the pig's vagina and pull the guts out all over the floor. He's a ham fisted bastard.

Went to visit my wife's grave, but I couldn't find it. I think I'm losing the plot.

I went to a psychiatrist because I was living my life as if I was a fish swimming in my own delirious dreams of make-believe. Lucky he managed to real me in.
 
A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan, Miss" she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Manchester United fan?"
"Because my mum and dad moved here from Trafford and are Manchester United fans, so I'm a Manchester United fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a Manchester United fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

As told by Fred Flintstone to his mate Barney down the pub one evening, a long long time ago.
 
I was walking in the park, it was a beautiful day, the sun was out, the birds were singing and I felt so good with life.
I then saw this gorgeous little girl walking with her ever so cute little dog, I couldn't help myself...
Hello little girl, what is your name I asked
In the most angelic voice she replied 'My name is Petal'
'Well' I said 'that is the most wonderful, beautiful name I have ever heard, and why are you called petal ?
The little girl replied, ''When I was just two days old my mummy put me in my cot by the bedroom window and when the summer breeze blew in a lovely red petal and it landed on my forehead and my mummy's eyes filled with tears of joy and she said that is so beautiful you shall be called Petal'
Oh how wonderful, what a delightful name you have, and your gorgeous doggy, what is his name ? I said
The little girl replied in her seet angelic voice 'He's called Porky'
Oh that is an unusual name, why is he called Porky ?
and the little girl replied 'Cos he fucks pigs'
 
On the morning of my wife's birthday, I said "I'll treat you to anything today, just name it." She said "Ooh ok, how about a spa?" I said "Ok" and stuck 4 on her before she had a chance to get her gaurd up.

I went to the zoo to do a bit of thieving but I got caught on the way out. The manager was happy to find a snake in my trousers, but she wasn't too pleased about the turtle's head poking out of my arse.

My favourite pasttime is looking at American coins under a microscope. It's magnifycent.

My wife died in a skiing accident, now if I ever see slopes again, Alpine.
 
I'll just get this crap off my chest..i'll sleep better.


For over a week now my girlfriend has been complaining that her foot feels like it's gone to sleep. I think it's comatoes.

I successfully murdered my wife by poisoning her desert. The proof is in the pudding, but I think I'll get away with it.

I listened to Last Christmas, immediately followed by Careless Whisper, it was a double whammy.
 
Although my ex girlfriend has an amazing arse, she's also a cheating slag. I was glad to see the back of her.

That Armstrong's chippy in Prestwhich aren't concerned about the new takeaway that's opened next door. They've got bigger fish to fry.

My physiotherapist is hilarious, he cracks me up that bloke
 
kinkladz-ade said:
These crack me up Steve. Keep em coming, dont listen to those miserable sods.
Click to expand...

Cheers mate, you've got taste! I have a boring job so I just think about sentences that make me laugh. Sad really :/
Anyway, @the miseries, you can see who posts last before you open the thread you twats! So don't check the thread until it's somebody other than me!


Astronomists say there could be a chance of life on Neptune...watch this space.

I'm as good at decorating as I am at using the computer. It's cut, paste and copy, undo. redo.

I said to my mate "What is it called when people aren't allowed to criticize something?"
He said "I'm not sure...Sacred cow?"
I said "Cred cow."
 
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