Joke thread

Guy with no arms or legs is sat on a beach when three girls notice him. The first says ' I fell so sorry for that guy with no arms and no legs I'm gonna go and chat to him'. She chats to him for a while then says ' I feel so sorry for you sat here on this beach with no arms and no legs, have you ever been hugged before?' He says no so she picks him up and gives him a big hug and off she goes. The second girl goes over to chat to him " have you ever been kissed before?" "No" he says so she picks him up and gives him a big kiss and off she goes. The last girl comes over to the guy and says "I feel so sorry for you sat here with no arms and no legs, have you ever been fucked before?" " No" he says excitedly "I've ner been fucked before". "Well you are now" she says "the tides coming in!"
 
Mëtal Bikër said:
Bartender says "Hey, where did you get that?"

The PARROT says "Mordor... there's loads of them"

The twist is that it's the PARROT who has the ORC, not the Orc that has the Parrot.

It is a very funny joke. Much famous. Very laugh.
Click to expand...
Ah, thankyou. I did wonder if that was the twist. I heard similar when a bloke goes to the doc with a penguin on his head and when asked what's wrong the penguin says it's about this growth on my foot.

Incidentally; Much famous. Very laugh is going to have me chuckling all day. I'm borrowing that for future ref if that's ok. Actually I'm borrowing it even if you don't approve. :-)
 
DrBlueBob said:
Ah, thankyou. I did wonder if that was the twist. I heard similar when a bloke goes to the doc with a penguin on his head and when asked what's wrong the penguin says it's about this growth on my foot.

Incidentally; Much famous. Very laugh is going to have me chuckling all day. I'm borrowing that for future ref if that's ok. Actually I'm borrowing it even if you don't approve. :-)
Click to expand...
I don't approve and I actually feel quite violated and persecuted right now...
 
Three United fans walk into a bar. A rapist, a murderer and a thief......and that was just the first of them.
 
Mëtal Bikër said:
Bartender says "Hey, where did you get that?"

The PARROT says "Mordor... there's loads of them"

The twist is that it's the PARROT who has the ORC, not the Orc that has the Parrot.

It is a very funny joke. Much famous. Very laugh.
Click to expand...
Great joke but surely you need to adapt it for your audience:-

An ugly as fuck, thick as shit bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. "Where did you get that?" asks the bar barman. "Old Trafford" says the parrot "there's thousands of the fuckers!"
 
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”
 
City_Shirts said:
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier:"It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Solskjaer:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, Manager of Manchester United”.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Solskjaer: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Solskjaer but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Solskjaer,"Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Solskjaer stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Solskjaer?”
Click to expand...
Did this take you long you could have just read page 962 :-)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Unread Posts

Don't have an account? Register now and see fewer ads!

SIGN UP
Back
Top