Joke thread

JRockBlues said:
A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

*Courtesy Big Joe Henry
Click to expand...
I enjoyed the history and geography lesson, the punchline was questionable.
 
JRockBlues said:
A little known fact is that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York.

The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

*Courtesy Big Joe Henry
Click to expand...
Sauce?
 
SCEtoAUX said:
Well I've looked through a few hundred pages, it's probably in there somewhere but I've not found it yet, so here is my favourite joke of all time:

Why do Scuba divers roll backwards into the water?
Because if they rolled forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Click to expand...
Self
Contained
Under Water
Breathing
Apparatus
 
I walked into my sister's bedroom, she was sobbing, I said 'are you having a crisis?' she said yeah
I love my brother, he is a soldier, he's not a real soldier, he's a thin strip of buttered toast
 
MellowJoe said:
I walked into my sister's bedroom, she was sobbing, I said 'are you having a crisis?' she said yeah
I love my brother, he is a soldier, he's not a real soldier, he's a thin strip of buttered toast
Click to expand...
You do know this is the joke thread don't you?
 
The young boy who lives next door to me shouted across the fence this morning,
"Hey, I'll have a baby brother or sister soon, my mum's reached the final third of her pregnancy, so there's not long to go now."
I said, "Great. There's a word for the individual stages of pregnancy, but I just can't seem to recall it."
He said, "Trimester".
I shouted, "I have done, but I can't fucking remember it, you impatient little ****!"
 
A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing a very expensive and high-quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.
The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.

His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black and that she would like him in a black suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, ‘Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well-tailored black suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband is dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor-made.

She says to the mortician, ‘You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?’

To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good…

So I just swapped their heads.’
 
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