Joke thread

knuckles said:
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Too bloody right. It's about time I got an HMG apology for surviving all the shit that I've had to put up with. That fuckin' heatwave drove me to Scotland for a bit of a cool down and then I was eaten by magicpole's mates, the fuckin' midges. I want an apology from Wee Jimmy Sturgeon for being bitten by Scottish midges that hadn't been fed since the last Scottish famine!
crazyg said:
Yes. Nearly missed it when I visited Venice. So tiny.
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There's one over the Ashton Canal - well, I sighed when I missed my footing on the last step! It's the one by the Peak Forest as it meets Portland Basin.
 
An attractive young lady lived in a place with a small garden plot behind. Her neighbour, an elderly gentleman, did likewise. However, his tomatoes were always much redder than hers, so she asked him what his secret was. He decided to have a little fun with her, so he said, “Early in the morning I go out in my bathrobe and expose myself to the tomatoes and that makes them blush red”. She decided to try that herself. A week later he asked her how her tomatoes were doing. She said, “The tomatoes haven’t changed but you should see my courgettes!”
 
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Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?”

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!”

The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible . .. I had him chained to a transmission.”
 
SnakeDoctor473 said:
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?”

The second hunter says,” I don’t know. Let’s throw somethin’ down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”

The first hunter says, “Hey, there’s an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we’ll throw it in and see.”

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

“Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you ?”

The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped . . .headfirst into this here hole!!”

The old farmer said, “Naw, that’s impossible . .. I had him chained to a transmission.”
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Yeah, absolute class joke. I've always told another version. One guy, normal, townie. Wandering around the countryside. Finds the hole. Starts with a pebble before throwing a bigger rock down - baffled that they make no noise. Won't stand for it. Goes off, finds 'a bloody great rock', confident THAT will sort it out. Cue goat. LOL. But... uhhh. Even that rock, and the goat still make no noise. He meets the farmer a bit later, totally baffled by the whole thing, says he never saw any goats. Farmer is happy, and says the goat won't get far. Confident as feck; "He's tied to a bloody great rock!"

Now I think about it, after all that, it was a railway sleeper, not a rock. Bloody Great Rocks work well if you do an aussie farmer tho. The thing that bothers me, I have this feeling, in this version, he'd already encountered the farmer, who asked him if he had come to see the famous bottomless hole, the only one in the world. Which is what wound him up, obviously it's just some stupid story they tell visitors. Being a polite lad, all he'd done he asked if it was alright he was on the land. Why try and shine him off with this stupid story about a bottomless hole. And a rather stern warning - DON'T mess with the goat, he's a bit lively.

And DON'T try and steal any of his railway sleepers - he knows exactly how many there are!

Fuck. Memory is quite a thing, a decade or more since I told it, thirty years since I heard it. Funny how it keeps changing!
 
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