Joke thread

A middle aged drunk, clutching a crate of brown ale, is trying to unlock his front door. At the third attempt he staggers in and finds his wife, wielding a rolling pin, waiting. She screams "You've been drinking in some low dive again!"

He responds "Not at all. I've just come from the Golden Room. What a place - solid gold bar counter."

She snorts "Do you expect me to believe that?"

He says "Solid gold drinking vessels too"

She yells "Do you expect me to believe that?"

"Honest - there's a solid gold toilet too"

The wife advances raising the rolling pin when suddenly he collapses in a heap. She grabs him by the feet and drags him up the stairs - head banging on each riser. In the bedroom she pulls off his kecks and a business card for "The Golden Room" falls out. She is gobsmacked and phones the number shown.

A posh voice answers "Good evening. The Golden Room" She replies "Do you have a solid gold bar counter?" "Most certainly madam"
"Do you have "solid gold drinking vessels as well." "Now that's a very special feature of the Golden Room madam"

She stutters "D-d-do you have a solid gold toilet too?"

There's a short silence and then a hiss "Arry I think I'm getting the lowdown on the bastard who shat down your trombone!"
 
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A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard. They find a deserted cabin and take shelter. They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets. The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.
As they get tucked in for the night the nun calls out, "Father, Father I'm cold!"

So the priest gets up and puts another blanket on the nun. "Is that better Sister?" he asks. "Yes Father, much better," she replies. So he gets back in his sleeping bag and starts to nod off when she again calls out with, "Father I'm still cold!"

So once again the priest gets up and puts another blanket on her, ensuring she is tucked into the bed well. "Is that better Sister?" he asks.

"Oh yes Father, that's much better," she says.

So the priest gets himself back into the sleeping bag and this time is just starting to dream when he wakes up to her call of, "Father, Father I'm just so cold!"

The priest thinks long about this and finally says, "Sister, we are in the middle of nowhere in a blizzard. No one but you, myself, and the lord himself will ever know what happens here this night. How about, just for this night, we act as though we were married?"

The nun thinks on this for a minute, she can't help but admit to herself she's been curious, and finally answers with a tentative, "OK Father, just for tonight, we will act as though we are married."

So the Father replies,

"Get up and get your own damned blanket ya cow!" and rolls over to fall asleep.
 
A BOXING DAY POO

You sit upon the toilet
With everything prepared
You're feeling quite excited but
A little bloody scared!

That huge amount of Christmas nosh
Has turned into a log
And now the fateful time has come
To flush it down the bog!

But first you must expel the beast
And so you start to strain,
You bite down on a piece of wood
To take away the pain

But oh my god, its bloody huge
It's like you're giving birth!
You sweat and push and swear and shake
and strain for all your worth.

And then that magic moment comes,
That fills your soul with cheer,
A turd the size of King Kongs arm
Emerges from your rear.

And like a bomb it hits the pan
Thus lightening your mood,
And making room inside your guts
For lots more Christmas food!
 
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