Joke thread

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."
 
A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs while the sun sets, with no apparent purpose to them?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the moon reflect upon the still surface of the lake, a mere reflection, and contemplate the meaning of it?"

"Yes Master"

"And have you seen the flocks of birds flying across the sky at sunset, and wonder about their purpose in life?"

"Yes Master"

"That's your problem! You keep looking at useless shit instead of practicing!"
 

A TV crew was on a remote village making a documentary…​

…they stopped a villager and asked him if he would tell a happy anecdote for the camera. The man smiled, gave a deep, longing breath and told “well, there was this time when Sven’s sheep got lost, so it wandered up the mountain, so we got together to look for it. We searched and searched all day long, until we found it at sundown. We were all so happy to find it we threw a party at the spot! We danced a lot, sung a lot, got very drunk and in the end we all took turns banging the sheep’s ass.”

The reporter was astounded. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but I can’t play that on television. Don’t you have another happy story you might want to tell?”

“Well, there was this other time…” the villager said, once again with a longing smile. “Ove’s goat got lost, so it wandered up the mountain, so we got together to look for it. We searched and searched all day long, until we found the goat at sundown. We were so happy we commemorated it with a party! We danced and sung all night long, we drank a lot of mead and then, just before sunrise, we took turns banging the goat’s ass.”

“Okay, enough happy stories!” The reporter was losing it by this point. “Could you tell us a sad story this time?”

The villager’s smile melted into a sad pout. With the voice trembling, he started: “Well, this one time, I got lost, so I wandered up the mountain…”
 
A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s no way you’re fucking me in the ass!”

“Alright then, guess you’re sucking my cock.”

So she starts to suck him off and quickly spits it out and looks up at him.

“Your dick tastes like shit!”

“Yeah well, the dogs didn’t want to go hunting either.”
 
Pierre, ze French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?"

"I am Pierre, ze French fighter pilot, and when I taste ze red meat, I have ze red wine."

"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!" and so he carefully unbuttons her blouse and lowers his head. But before he begins, he pours a little bit of white wine on her breast, and then, ravagement.

"Oh, Pierre, Pierre", she squealed, "again, so erotic, so arousing, so magnifique! but tell me, why this time, at my breast, the white wine?"

"I am Pierre, ze French fighter pilot, and when I have ze white meat, I pair it with ze white wine."

"Oh Pierre, Pierre, so romantic, so sensual, kiss me lower, kiss me lower!"

And so he gets down on his knne and lifts her bustle, pushing aside her bloomers and lowers his head. Just before he engages, however, he pours a little bit of cognac onto her pubic hair and sets it alight.

"PIERRE, PIERRE, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?" she cried, batting out the fire.

"I am Pierre, ze french fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
 
Lavinda Past said:
Pierre, ze French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon dieu, that was so arousing and erotic, but tell me, why before you kissed me, did you pour red wine on my lip?"

"I am Pierre, ze French fighter pilot, and when I taste ze red meat, I have ze red wine."

"Oh Pierre, that is so romantic, kiss me again, but lower this time!" and so he carefully unbuttons her blouse and lowers his head. But before he begins, he pours a little bit of white wine on her breast, and then, ravagement.

"Oh, Pierre, Pierre", she squealed, "again, so erotic, so arousing, so magnifique! but tell me, why this time, at my breast, the white wine?"

"I am Pierre, ze French fighter pilot, and when I have ze white meat, I pair it with ze white wine."

"Oh Pierre, Pierre, so romantic, so sensual, kiss me lower, kiss me lower!"

And so he gets down on his knne and lifts her bustle, pushing aside her bloomers and lowers his head. Just before he engages, however, he pours a little bit of cognac onto her pubic hair and sets it alight.

"PIERRE, PIERRE, WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS?" she cried, batting out the fire.

"I am Pierre, ze french fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames."
Click to expand...
C'est magnifique!
 
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."


The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
 
Out on the course one day, John accidentally overturned his golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," John replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... John was weak. "Well okay," he finally agreed but thought to himself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, he thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything... By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."
 
Bob left work one Friday evening. As it was payday, he went out for a pint with his mates.

Things got a bit out of hand, and instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spent all of his wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and still he didn't see his wife.

However, by Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
 
Lavinda Past said:
Bob left work one Friday evening. As it was payday, he went out for a pint with his mates.

Things got a bit out of hand, and instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spent all of his wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and still he didn't see his wife.

However, by Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Click to expand...
A true story.
A friend of mine went to his cricket club one Saturday morning for a pint. Got talking to a bunch of the lads who were going on a short tour in the South.
His wife was not pleased when he got home the following Tuesday.
 
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