Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

The inventor of intermittent windshield wipers died recently. It was a lovely service, and many friends and family were in attendance. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house… and then there was…and then there wasn’t…and then there was…

 

[Lavinda Past]

Little Joe comes home from his first day of school crying his eyes out.

"Mum, all the kids at school say I have a big head. Its really upsetting."

The mother says, "Don't listen to them Joe, your head isn't big at all. Now, I want you to go and get me 5lb of potatoes from the shop."

"Mum, I don't have a bag for the potatoes."

"Its okay Joe, just use your hat."

 

[Lavinda Past]

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant.

 

[fulabeer]

 

[sir baconface]

 

[flook]

⁹

Ooooh the old ones are the best.

except that one ...

 

[r.soleofsalford]

Little Joe comes home from his first day of school crying his eyes out.

"Mum, all the kids at school say I have a big head. Its really upsetting."

The mother says, "Don't listen to them Joe, your head isn't big at all. Now, I want you to go and get me 5lb of potatoes from the shop."

"Mum, I don't have a bag for the potatoes."

"Its okay Joe, just use your hat."

Dear god, I`m 71 and must of first heard this attempt at a joke when I was 6 or 7

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[blue44]

 

[kippaxneil]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today. A man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolates.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled, 'The Milky Bars are on me!'..people just cheered.

 

[KS55]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today. A man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolates.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled, 'The Milky Bars are on me!'..people just cheered.

A bit flakey, that one.

 

[blue b4 the moon]

Caused a ripple of applause at b4 the moon towers.

 

[hammocity]

View attachment 127145

True story, many years ago I had to take a test to ensure my fertility was in order (long story) so I had to provide a sample.

The instructions were to place the sample in the receptacle provided but it was so small it was advised to use a larger container first. So the embarrassment of having to take a tug for this purpose was bad enough but Mrs H offered to give me a hand.

I asked her to get me something to capture my output, she went downstairs and returned with the washing up bowl, I said "how much do you think is in there?" was laughing so much it took the tension away.

 

[hammocity]

An 85 year old man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

The barman asks:"hey, where did you get him?"

The parrot answers:"at the nursing home, they're all over the place there!"

Very PC and I'm sure you know the original

 

[Lavinda Past]

Very PC and I'm sure you know the original

I watch my step now... I've had more bans than Fernandinho recently :-)

 

[Lavinda Past]

Dear god, I`m 71 and must of first heard this attempt at a joke when I was 6 or 7

At least you've still got your memory then

;-)

 

[KS55]

True story, many years ago I had to take a test to ensure my fertility was in order (long story) so I had to provide a sample.

The instructions were to place the sample in the receptacle provided but it was so small it was advised to use a larger container first. So the embarrassment of having to take a tug for this purpose was bad enough but Mrs H offered to give me a hand.

I asked her to get me something to capture my output, she went downstairs and returned with the washing up bowl, I said "how much do you think is in there?" was laughing so much it took the tension away.

My mate had the same situation. I asked him how he had got on. He said: ” I got so excited, I missed the jar.”

 

[Vienna_70]

Sad news from the Nestle factory today. A man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolates.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled, 'The Milky Bars are on me!'..people just cheered.

You should be sent to Mars for that.