Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

My mate told me that he's got a load of Brand new Trivial Pursuit games for sale...

No questions asked.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I read that the best way to deal with a red wine stain on the carpet is white wine.

It worked, I drank two bottles and now I don't give a fuck about the carpet.

 

[mrcunny]

 

[jimharri]

I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table.



I know it’s a genuine Van Gogh, because it’s got a bit of veneer missing.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table.



I know it’s a genuine Van Gogh, because it’s got a bit of veneer missing.

 

[Mid Wales blue]

View attachment 133645

Low self-esteem support group, use back door. Nearly made me piss myself!

 

[Lavinda Past]

Breaking news. Thousands of Oasis tickets have just been made available.

Keir Starmer has returned those he was given.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate said there's a stunning blonde who's started working at our local and he heard rumours she wanted to give him one.


Unfortunately, it was out of ten.

 

[Lavinda Past]

On a visit to Ireland, Diane Abbott was asked what she thought of County Down.

She replied, "I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was on it".

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was in Asda before and saw a wonan at the checkout who had really terrible teeth.

When she smiled at the cashier, the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Piracy is killing the music industry.

You try playing the guitar with a hook...

 

[Lavinda Past]

Did you hear about the man that dropped his drum kit down the stairs?

Ba-dum tsssss

 

[JASR]

Where does the Pink Panther live?
Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham….

Little Super Horlock about the same age.

2 biscuits were rolling down the road, suddenly one got crushed by a car, the other in shock said ‘crumbs!’

Little JASR aged 7

Note: this is the only ‘joke’ i have ever made up. I cannot tell jokes. I cannot remember jokes. I just riff of other people’s last lines.

 

[Big Swifty]

My son got into trouble for getting a girl in his class to give him a blow job.

I said "Look, any more of this shit and you're going to have to give up teaching altogether"

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was in town today and saw a homeless man dressed like Henry VIII

I thought that's not right, beggars can't be Tudors

 

[bonespost]

 

[Lavinda Past]

I met an interesting bloke the other day in the pub. He was telling me how he's dedicated his life to removing all cancers.

He said when he's achieved that, he's moving on to Geminis

 

[Maintainin]

Former chancellor admits football hooligan past: ‘I went out looking for fights’

Zahawi was sacked by Rishi Sunak as Tory party chair over his tax affairs

www.independent.co.uk

 

[bluemoon32]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Husband (H) and wife (W) are going to bed

After a few minutes, the husband is starting to get a little frisky.

W: “Not tonight.”

H: “Come on, it’s been a while.”

W: “I have an appotomorrowwith the gynaecologist tomorrow so I want to be fresh.”

After another couple of minutes…

H: “You don’t have a dentist appointment tomorrow too, do you?”