Joke thread

[Grassland Blue]

View attachment 133932

But they are 14th!
That's not the middle.....

 

[Lavinda Past]

I got stuck behind Satan in the post office queue yesterday. He was at the counter for ages. Then I remembered what I was told in Sunday School when I was a kid...

The devil can take many forms.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went into the newsagents and asked if they sold Oyster Cards.

The cashier said, "For the bus?"

I said, "No, it's my oyster's birthday."

 

[Lavinda Past]

If Honor Blackman had married Richard Todd, would she have been lonely for the rest of her life?

 

[r.soleofsalford]

But they are 14th!
That's not the middle.....

It would look better in the middle of another table.

 

[Lavinda Past]

It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight
It's going to be foggy tonight
It's going to be foggy tonight












You have..... 4 mist messages.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've managed to build a car entirely from old washing machine parts..

Might pop out for a spin later....

 

[Lavinda Past]

My Dad always said it was rude to point.

Great dad...

Rubbish bricklayer.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I went to a new Indian restaurant called The Giant Peach.

Their specialty is rolled daal.

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate went to the doctor and told him he finds it hard to breathe when he eats rice.

The doctor thinks he may be Basmatic.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Mymate installs wet rooms.

Lovely bloke

Shit roofer.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Apparently, we've got a fantastic day coming up on Thursday...

Everyone's says it's going to be 10/10.

 

[Bri1975]

 

[MellowJoe]

I've just bought a motorcycle which used to belong to Errol Brown from Hot Chocolate.


It started with a kick.

Here's a little known fact about the late great Errol, did you know he died of obesity? It started with a quiche :/
Coat,hat,bike.

 

[Lavinda Past]

There's no way I'm going to be an organ donor.

I fucking love my Wurlitzer.

 

[Tuearts right boot]

Here's a little known fact about the late great Errol, did you know he died of obesity? It started with a quiche :/
Coat,hat,bike.

I was lead to believe he died of cancer, it started with a cyst.

 

[Lavinda Past]

An American man has been found guilty of stealing 2000 erasers and 150 bottles of Tippex from an office supply cupboard.

The judge sentenced him to six months in a correctional facility.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I was walking through a cemetery the other day and saw Jeremy Beadle's gravestone.

It read: "Hr. ls. Jrmy. Bdl. R.I.P"

I couldn't believe it was written in shorthand

 

[Lavinda Past]

It's the 1970s...

A man goes into Burton's in Birmingham to buy a new suit. After going through all the usual choices, he settles on a nice single breated two-button charcoal grey suit with a single vent and three buttons on each sleeve.

The salesman then persuades him to add a shirt, one with a complementary pink stripe and then he asks, “How about we finish off with a nice kipper tie?”

“That would be lovely”, replies the customer, “milk and two sugars please”.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Went out metal detecting today and found an old land rover buried in a field ......

It's my first discovery.