Joke thread
- Thread starter mrcunny
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maccieblue
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- Joined
- 12 Dec 2008
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- 1,632
But what did aunt Bessie get for you
There is a widespread breakout of judges impersonating animals, why?
Eccles Blue
Well-Known Member
A friend just sent me this message:
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your gardens, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
(Please keep this going and steal this post like I did...
) I hope you got a good laugh
Sometimes you just need to laugh
...it’s good for the soul..and another thing don't drink and drive you might spill it.
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your gardens, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my margarita out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
(Please keep this going and steal this post like I did...
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
A man runs into a hotel and tells the lady at the front desk, "I need a room. I just got married."
"Congratulations, sir. Would you like the bridal?"
"No thanks, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets the hang of it."
"Congratulations, sir. Would you like the bridal?"
"No thanks, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets the hang of it."
Bill Walker
Well-Known Member
jimharri
Moderator
Teacher Bianca Seidel on Instagram: "#teacherbiancaseidel #ingles #english #joke"
92K likes, 1,084 comments - teacherbiancaseidel on December 12, 2024: "#teacherbiancaseidel #ingles #english #joke".
www.instagram.com
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
bladdered
Well-Known Member
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels”
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Sometimes."
Friend: "Why?"
Me: "Sometimes."
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Did you hear about the trainspotter who got hit by a steam train?
He was chuffed to bits
He was chuffed to bits
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My mate has started a business specialising in weighing microscopic objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
It’s a small scale operation.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My grandad made a fortune investing in stocks. Beef, chicken, vegetable....
He was a bouillonaire.
He was a bouillonaire.
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
My mate asked me if I would be able to drink a yard of vodka.
I said "maybe, but it's a long shot"
I said "maybe, but it's a long shot"
Lavinda Past
Well-Known Member
Knight 1: I say, sir, that is some unusual armour you're wearing, what's that made of?
Knight 2: Leaves and twigs.
Knight 1: Hmmm... I wouldn't think that would provide much protection.
Knight 2: Literally none.
Knight 1: You're not very good at selecting armour, are you?
Knight 2: No... It's not my strong suit.
Knight 2: Leaves and twigs.
Knight 1: Hmmm... I wouldn't think that would provide much protection.
Knight 2: Literally none.
Knight 1: You're not very good at selecting armour, are you?
Knight 2: No... It's not my strong suit.