Joke thread

[Sam101]

I hate it mid-wipe when your finger goes through the paper and you end up with shit all over your fingers.

Apart from that,I am enjoying working in the old people's home.

 

[Lavinda Past]

 

[Lavinda Past]

The customer asked the shop assistant: "Is this Ghee or butter?"

"It's Ghee, said the assistant."

"Thank you," said the customer. "I'm glad we got that clarified."

 

[Lavinda Past]

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a travelling salesman and goes in for an interview.

"Looking at your CV, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you".

"But wait", says the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin, I stop winking".

"Show me", replies the interviewer.

So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colours before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.

"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".

"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".

"How do you explain all the condoms then?" asks the interviewer.

"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?

 

[Lavinda Past]

I once started taking an adhd test, but I lost interest.

 

[bennyboy]

 

[Sam101]

A mother is asking her daughter what presents she wants for Christmas.


She replies "All I want for Christmas are loads and loads of clothes for those poor children on Daddy's computer"

 

[Sam101]

I was at the tills in tesco this morning with two trolleys piled full of shopping when I noticed this frail old lady behind me with just a box of teabags,so I decided to do the right thing and said to her.

"I'd piss off to another till love,i could be fucking ages"

 

[mosssideblue]

 

[Lavinda Past]

Yvette Cooper has said that she won't set a timetable for stopping the boats.

However, officially unlicensed people smugglers have confirmed they will continue at ten past and twenty to the hour, but ask travellers to check for reduced service at weekends and bank holidays.

 

[Lavinda Past]

I just finished reading a book about fancy basements.

It was a best cellar.

 

[TinFoilHat]

Yvette Cooper has said that she won't set a timetable for stopping the boats.

However, officially unlicensed people smugglers have confirmed they will continue at ten past and twenty to the hour, but ask travellers to check for reduced service at weekends and bank holidays.

Rail replacement boats will be in place on boxing day.

 

[Lavinda Past]

For the first time in her life my missus was stunned into silence last night.

Aren't tasers great!

 

[Lavinda Past]

Strictly Come Dancing

First a deaf girl wins
Then a blind guy wins

Favourite to win next year.. Helen Keller

 

[Lavinda Past]

Having sex is like riding a bike

People get upset when you do it on the pavement

 

[Lavinda Past]

Our council is shutting down the local community art class due to budget cuts

I don't mind them closing the other community groups, but the art class is where I draw the line

 

[Lavinda Past]

Did you know it takes three sheep to knit a Christmas jumper?

I never knew they could knit.

 

[SCEtoAUX]

Probably posted earlier, but once again it's time for a fat bloke dressed in red to put in his yearly shift.

Over to you Luke Shaw.

 

[Don Karleone]

Us at the moment.

 

[lefty goldblatt]

View attachment 140652

Then the pussy went and let 2 in, in two minutes