Joke thread

[Lavinda Past]

I took a gynaecology course once... when the lecturer asked did anybody want to volunteer to practise on the live model, I was first to put my hand up .

 

[Lavinda Past]

I wanted to be a chicken hypnotist but I failed the hen trance exam

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just managed to book a table for me and the missus on Christmas day.

Don't know why I bothered really... she's shit at snooker.

 

[Blue Mist]

Am I being whooshed or is that the joke , like the rest of us he’ll be having turkey ?

Whoosh

Read it in a Yawkhshure accent. :-)

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just £3 will pay for a food and water for a family of four in Somalia.

But don't let your heart rule your head...

Stella is 4 for £2.99 in Asda.

 

[Lavinda Past]

Just found out that Morrisons are giving away free mince pies to anyone who can run faster than their security guard

 

[Lavinda Past]

My mate is a professional sleepwalker.

He's living the dream

 

[Lavinda Past]

I've just read a really good book about house construction.

It's by Bill Jerome-Holmes

 

[smeeagain]

These are all from Christmas crackers surely!

 

[Citizen of Legoland]

These are all from Christmas crackers surely!

Just the reject pile.


Merry Christmas @Lavinda Past! Only joking, keep up the good work.

 

[KS55]

My Grandma drowned at sea during WW1.
RIP Lucy Tania

 

[Sam Armstrong]

 

[northendenton]

Whoosh

Read it in a Yawkhshure accent. :-)

Still no sorry

 

[Casey69]

A poor Mexican is riding his burro when he is stopped by a posse of lawmen… they ask him has he seen Juan Pedro the bandit, he said only yesterday I was riding my burro when Juan Pedro jumped out from behind a rock and pointed his gun at me and said “ take down your trousers and shit” this I did he then said “ now eat your shit “ he then took my belongings and left!
Sometime later that day I found Juan Pedro the bandit sleeping by the river, I snuck up and stole his gun, I woke him up and pointed the gun at him and I said … “ take down your trousers! Now shit “ this he did I then said “ eat your shit ! “ this he did and I then took his belongings and left him by the river! So you ask me have I seen Juan Pedro the bandit? Why only yesterday we had lunch together!

 

[fanatic1]

A young dude went to a swingers singles night. Immediately he was accosted by a very attractive fit 40ish woman (think Raquel Welsh 1985). They found a secluded spot and her hands were all over him and naturally he responded eagerly. After half an hour she whispered in his ear " Listen big boy how's about you coming round to my place for a spot of mother/daughter threesome sandwich action?"

He was well up for it and they left and entered her building. Immediately she moved to the staircase and shouted up "Hey ma put your teeth in and come on down. We got lucky again tonight."

 

[Lavinda Past]

These are all from Christmas crackers surely!

Who's Shirley?

 

[Lavinda Past]

I'm in Mexico for my cousin's wedding and the music is traditional.

It was always her dream to come out here and marry Archie Band.

 

[bladdered]

 

[Lavinda Past]

When I was at school there was a bird in our class nicknamed "Rudolph".

She always went down in history.

 

[Lavinda Past]

We had an unexpected knock on our door this morning. It turned out to be a door-to-door giraffe salesman.

I said to him: "Coming round here on Christmas Day? You've got some neck."